Sunday, February 13, 2011

Valentine's Day Traditions

     Unless you are calendar-challenged, you probably know that tomorrow is Valentine's Day.  It is actually St. Valentine's Day, but we like to shorten things so we usually just call it Valentine's Day.  It is a special day that always falls on the 14th of February on which people express their love for one another, schoolchildren are forces to express their love for everyone in their class no matter how bad they smell, singles become increasingly bitter, and mobsters engage in mass murder.  And this is going to be a radically different Valentine's Day for me.  Sort of.
A pair of local nuns celebrate St. Valentine's Day in the traditional manner
     Normally my Valentine's Days are pretty simple - classic even.  I would spend the day at work if it was a weekday, or lying on the couch in my underwear watching college basketball and occasionally touching myself if it was a weekend day, and I would begin getting blackout drunk at around lunchtime.  Then, a little later after it got dark, I would go out in the community dressed like Rambo to hide behind snowbanks and hurl hastily made snowballs at happy couples as they emerged from the Valentine's Day dinners.  That's pretty simple, and I have done it for years.  It is almost like a tradition.
      But this year, things are going to have to change.  See, this is the first year in quite some time that I haven't been single on Valentine's Day, so I am feeling a little bit differently about the whole thing.  Now that I am not quite as bitter and washed up as I have been in years past, I want to express my feelings about my Baby Doll through chocolates and overpriced flowers, and maybe a criminally overpriced Valentine's Day card that costs more than a handjob down in Little Hanoi.  But I digress.  See the thing is, I don't have that deep, bitter hatred towards the happy couples who are out having dinner.  I mean, I am a little jealous that they can afford to go out for an expensive dinner to go with their expensive flowers, cards, candies, and Volvos, but that is neither here nor there.  I don't feel the jealousy that they are sort of in love, but I am torn by my desire to a.) keep with traditions and b.) throw snowballs at people.  I have, however, figured out a way to mate all of my Valentine's Day situations into a single outing that will make everyone happy.  Or at least everyone who matters.
      If you looking for me out on the town, I will be the guy out behind the snowbank with his girlfriend throwing snowballs at the guy who is throwing snowballs at the happy couples as they leave the restaurant from their Valentine's Day dinners.  I might even make sure that some of them have ice in the middle of them, both for distance, accuracy, and lethality.  Also because it is just plain fun.  See, I came to the realization quite some time ago, that Valentine's Day is really all about the snowballs, and as such we have to keep up tradition.  If you can do it while expressing love, then that is all the better.  But you have to keep up tradition.  So happy Valentine's Day a day early everyone, this is your last chance to get a gift together, to make that grand romantic gesture.  And you only have one more day to stake out your spot behind the snowbank.
    

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