Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Breakfast for Dinner

     So, I tried to make breakfast for dinner last night and I had a short period of a string of epic failures.  Would you like to hear all about it?  I bet you would.
     Here is the setup, okay?  Baby Doll was going to be about 8:30 pm, and I was determined to have breakfast for dinner (henceforth known only as dinner) ready for when she got home.  I was making scrambled eggs on the stove, maple flavored breakfast sausage patties on the stove, bacon in the oven, tater tots in the oven (technically they were tater crowns but regardless they were meant to replace hashbrowns or American fries) and biscuits in the oven.  Sounds good, no?  There were also slices of cheese available, as well as applesauce and cottage cheese for those who are into that.  Yeah, I know, I live like a king.  It's good to be a media mogul.
     So anyway, that was the menu, and I was just trucking along, hurried and harried but hanging in there.  Then it all started happening.  First, I needed to drain the sausage, but I didn't have a soup can for the grease.  All I had at hand were empty soda cans.  So I went to rip the top out of an empty soda can to use for the grease, and in the process I managed to slice open a little cut on the index finger of my right hand.  It was not a big cut - like a paper cut - but it was bleeding like it was going out of fucking style.  I added the "fucking" just to make it seem more edgy.  Anyway, it was bleeding, and like any good 12-year-old I just stuck it in my mouth to contain the blood and began running around the house.  The eggs had been moved off the cooktop burner and the burner was turned off.
     However, when I cut myself I immediately dropped the hot pad I was holding in my hand, as would be expected.  It dropped right onto the turned off but still very much hot burner of the stove, and as I was running around the house with my finger in my mouth swearing it began to smolder, and then it was on fire.  So now I was bleeding profusely and the kitchen was in the early stages of burning down.  I threw the burning hot pad in the sink and sprayed some water on it from that little sprayer that is on some peoples' sinks that I never knew what it was used for until I was like 23.  That put out the flames, which was good, and it bought myself enough time to go get a bandage for my finger, which was by now almost done bleeding.  It took me all that time to think to put a bandage on.

Oops, I must be cooking lunch
or something.
      Anyway, the fire was out but the pot holder was still smoldering.  Luckily, since I was frying I had the exhaust fan on above the stove.  But the kitchen was filling with smoke and I needed a new source of fresh air.  So I opened the sliding patio door in the kitchen to let in said fresh air, but the storm door was closed.  Since we have two cats (shut up, I know) and I didn't want them to get out, I opened the storm door and attempted to shut the screen door.  It wouldn't go, but I needed it shut so I kind of forced it.  Little did I know that I was forcing it shut in a way that I wouldn't be able to open it again.
      But that was a problem for later.  I went back to the sink and doused the rest of the smoldering pot holder.  The exhaust fan made quick work of the smoke, and coupled with the stuck-in-the-closed-position screen door wouldn't even allow the smoke alarm to go off.  I used a utensil to open the rest of the top of the soda can and was able to drain the fat from both my sausage and bacon.  So the ship was righted; disaster averted.  The eggs were a little burned but hey, there had to be something to happen.  But that was about it.  Final tally was one dead potholder and five wounded eggs, so all in all not so bad.  Or was that the final tally?  Nope, there was one more casualty.  See, when I went to put the burned up pot holder away, I wrapped it up in the tinfoil from the bacon pan - which was all filled with bacon grease - and threw it in the trash.  Or at least I thought I did.  I accidentally threw the good pot holder in there, so we ended up being out of two pot holders.  But breakfast for dinner was delicious.  And I didn't burn down the Worldwide Headquarters so all was well.  But I think I am off cooking detail for some time.


BradPerala said...

Good story. I enjoyed it. Sorry about your potholders and your finger.

Big Dave said...

Thank you. My finger is healing nicely and we had several potholders in reserve. The incidents in question did not, however, get me out of cooking duty for the week.