Thursday, February 17, 2011

Bite Me

     I have never been a fan of the Twilight series of books.  Or movies.  Or the TV show.  It's just not my cup of tea.  Impossibly attractive looking youthful vampires running around fighting, biting, being dramatical and making out is just not for me.  Plus, I am a firm believer that being a vampire is equal opportunity, and that not all of them are going to be ridiculously good looking and under 30, okay?  I am sure there is an old and fat vampire out there, and let's be honest, that Count Chocula is no spring chicken either, okay?
     Anyway, I was never a fan of the hoardes of teenagers out there who became so obsessed with this series that they started hanging around the Hot Topic and wearing a lot of black and acting strangely goth but not quite.  Never liked it.  I beamed when they burned Hot Topic on South Park.  But now it has been taken to a new level, because it is causing all sort of legal troubles.
     The specific troubles which I am referring to involve a 15-year-old girl, a 19-year-old boy, and authorities in Florida.  Here is what went down.  Fifteen-year-old girl (well call her Girl) comes home with marks on her body.  Tells parents, authorities, whomever, that she was attacked when she was jogging in an area park and that is where the marks came from.  I don't know if you realize this, Company, but fifteen-year-olds getting attacked in public parks while they are jogging is a pretty serious matter.  It is not good for business.  It is not something that the Convention and Visitors Bureau puts on their website.  So the police go check it out, and they find no sort of evidence of an attack.  No footprints in the mud.  No broken twigs and branches.  Nothing to indicate a scuffle. 
     When they tell the girl this, she finally fesses up and states that she received her wounds through Twilight-inspired "fantasy biting" (which doesn't sound like a term a fifteen-year-old would come up with, now does it?) with a 19-year-old man, whom we will call Man.  So Girl gets bit by Man because Show is so influential.  That's fucked up.  No charges have been filed against Man as he hasn't done anything other than consensually bite someone, although I would suspect he has done some stuff that he shouldn't have with her, and Girl I would assume is in a lot of trouble.
      First, with the law.  The Monroe County Sheriff's Office has charged her with making a false report, which is a no no.  That will cause fines and possible jail time if you are naughty enough.  And I am sure she will be in a lot of trouble with her parents.  I just can't but help to get the feeling that this is one of those situations that runs a little deeper than we see on the surface.  I suspect that the words "I don't want you associating with that boy anymore" were uttered more than once in the girl's household, and that was part of the reason why she didn't want to fess up.  I am sad that she was dumb enough to think blaming some unknown attackers would get her off the hook.
     Who bites when attacking, anyway?  I know that lots of people would bite when attacked, and that I suppose I understand.  But if you are a lowlife hiding in a bush alongside of a Florida bike trail, then you aren't going to leap out and start biting the first teenager that goes by.  I am guessing that you have other things on your mind, one of which is her purse or iPod.  I will leave you to figure out the other one on your own, Company.  But you aren't going to jump out and start gnawing on someone's shoulder blade or ear lobe.
     So what does all of this mean?  First of all, teenagers are stupid.  Second of all, Twilight sucks, both literally and as a pun, and that the police aren't as dumb as they seem.  Let's all learn from this and move on.

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