Saturday, January 22, 2011

Tic-Tac-Toe Chicken Challenge

     For those of you who aren't intimately familiar with the details of my life, I used to work in your friendly local Native American casino.  As such, I have been around all sorts of wacky types of slot machine games, especially those video slots where there is a little TV touch screen that you play all sorts of crazy stuff on.  So when I read on Yahoo! about a game called "Tic-Tac-Toe Chicken Challenge" that has been circulating through casinos over the years, I immediately had a vision in my head of some sort of slot machine with pictures of crazy-looking chickens on it that you have to get like chicken symbols in a tic-tac-toe pattern or something to win.  Or maybe when you get the bonus you play tic-tac-toe against an animated chicken or something.  But oh no, I was not even close to being close.
     Tic-Tac-Toe Chicken Challenge is a game in which a chicken is confined into a glass cube, and it pecks out at an X or O somewhere in the cube, thus playing the game against hopeful gamblers.  I am not kidding you.  The chicken goes first, it pecks an X or an O, and then the person selects their move on a video screen.  Eventually there would be a winner, and from what I have been led to understand the chicken would usually win, although seeing as it was being played in casinos I can't say that I am surprised.
     My question then, is this:  How fucking high do you have to be to think up that game?  Or, on the flip side, how desperate do the straights your casino is in have to be to put that out on your gaming floor?  Because that has to be just terrible to have in your casino.  First of all, that chicken is going to shit all over the place, and even if you are keeping it in a glass cube it is going to be like three inches deep in there, although it does open up a new gambling opportunity, and those casino guys will allow you to put money on anything.  Have you ever been to a parade where people are taking garbage can lids and drawing circles on the pavement and then when a parade horse craps in your circle you are a winner?  Well, as a side bet on the Tic-Tac-Toe Chicken Challenge you could have circles on the bottom of the glass cube with numbers in them, then you could buy numbers and get a portion of the pot or something.
     Here is another question for you: how do you regulate the chicken game?  I got sick of typing out all the hypens in tic-tac-toe so I am just going to call it the chicken game now.  Anyway, the gambling industry is very highly regulated, and there are a million billion different rules and there is a lot of oversight, but can you imagine a tie-wearing gaming inspector looking around the chicken cube?  I can't imagine that they would want to do that come hell or high water.
     Yet apparently this game was popular enough to be held in a number of different casinos over the years, and in fact is still being held somewhere.  And it was popular enough the PETA, which is filled with a bunch of fucking idiots who take everything too seriously, got all up in arms because apparently the chickens weren't being treated humanely, probably because they ARE FUCKING CHICKENS! They should be treated chickenly.  They cared a lot about that, but not one iota about the fact that a lot of stupid people were playing a stupid game and casino owners were making a killing off of it.
     So anyway, next time you are at your friendly local casino ask around and see if they have Tic-Tac-Toe Chicken Challenge available for your gambling pleasure.  I would suspect it is in a basement or back room somewhere off the gaming floor, since it would smell bad and most people wouldn't want to see it going on I am sure.  And I would suspect that whomever is manning that game is the guy who is in deep shit with his boss.  And there will probably be someone from PETA there waiting to throw some paint on you, because that is about as innovative as they get.  But hey, you will have the chance to get trounced at tic-tac-toe by tomorrow night's dinner, and that is always fun.

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