Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Nine Things That Shouldn't Be Surprising To You

Here is a list of nine things that have popped up in the news as of late that might surprise you, but shouldn't:

1.)  Taco Bell meat isn't really all meat.  Duh.  They say it is full of fillers and contains only 36% meat.  Did anyone really think that it was all ground beef in the first place?  Nobody is craving it when drunk because it is all beef, the want it because it greasy and crappy and tastes good.  Do you want steak when you are hung over?

2.)  Chicago man gets fired for wearing Packers tie to work day after Bears' NFC Championship Game loss to Packers.  It wouldn't surprise me if the teams were switched around in this story either.  A lot of people take football fandom way too seriously, and the guy was a car salesman.  Yeah, I am surprised that a car dealer did something radical to sell more cars.

3.)  Police attacks stir concern among officials.  Well I would hope so.  If 11 police officers were shot in 5 states in 24 hours and no one batted and eyelash then something would be seriously wrong.  Also, can we please stop shooting police?  That would be neat.

4.)  Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is vowing revenge for a bombing at a Moscow airport.  He is an ex KGB strongman who is the head of Russia, a nation that has never taken shit from anyone.  He doesn't even know who to exact his revenge on but it's good to know that he will have it, served cold like borscht.

5.)  Former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura has sued The Department of Homeland Security and Transportation Security Administration over pat-downs at airports.  Strange how him and his scary Nick Nolte skullet are suddenly doing something newsworthy right about the time everyone forgot he was alive, isn't it?  He was a wrestler who wore a lot of spandex, I can't image a security pat down is that much more degrading.

6.)  Verizon promises as smooth launch as they set up to offer the iPhone.  Hmmm...what else did you expect?  That they would promise it was going to suck and be shitty?  "Hey, we're getting the most popular cell phone in the history of ever, but don't expect it to work when you plunk down $400 for one."  Yeah, that is what they are going to say; that'll make them a lot of money.

7.)   Moscow blast may cause officials to rethink airport security.  No, no, no.  When people are walking into your airport and detonating explosives in crowded areas, your system is working very well.  Just keep the status quo.

8.)  Popularity of vampires spawns subculture, scholar says.  Really?  That is shocking.  I feel shocked.  I thought all those youth butting their entire lives into these vampire books was just leading them back to being hippies.  What kind of scholar are you?  What university employs you again?  Is it Useless State College of Easily Discernable Facts?  They have a good football team.  Hard for the name to fit on the uniforms though...

9.)  Oprah's half-sister revelation rocks ratings.  What's with the alliteration?  Of course lots of people tuned into Oprah to find out about that shit.  That's why she told the lady to keep it quiet until Oprah show was on its final season.  For the ratings.  Duh.  But the way, Oprah is older than her half-sister, and she supposedly never knew her mom was pregnant.  Now that sounds like something for Maury.

1 comment:

Mikealicious said...

This is one of the all time funniest things you have written! Loved it!