Thursday, January 20, 2011

In Defense of the Guards

     I can not even begin to describe to you how pissed off I am this morning, Company. And the reason that I am all pissed off is because of the lady in the fountain.
     For those of you who haven't seen the viral video on YouTube and about a hundred other places let me sort of tell you the story.  Lady is a mall worker.  She is 49 and I apologize I can't seem to find her name and I didn't catch it this morning.  But she sort of looks like one of those people who doesn't have a sense of humour.  And I can tell she doesn't, but we will get to that in a minute.  Anyway, this lady works at the mall and she is strolling along through the mall texting on her phone - again, not a big deal.  Happens all the time.  Except that this lady was especially not paying attention and she walked right into a fountain.  Oh yeah, she is just strolling along texting and she walks right into it.  It clips her off right at the knees and she goes ass over teakettle SPLASH! right into the fountain.
DANGER!
     Now here is where I have to give her some credit, because I believe in giving credit where credit is due (I am also slightly impressed that she is 49 and adept at texting, but that's another issue).  She plays it off so cool.  Instead of splashing around and making a scene, she immediately picks herself up, fishes her telephono out of the fountain, steps out, looks around to see if anyone saw, then walks away.  No harm, no foul.
     But someone did see.  A couple of people.  Turns out that the mall security guards happened to be watching, and they were laughing their asses off.  On the audio track you can hear them rewind the tape and watch it again, and watch it from a couple of different angles while narrating it.  It is pretty fucking hilarious.  Then, they did what any person with the capability would do...they put the video up on YouTube.  That is where this whole thing began to unravel and get just fucking stupid.
      The video goes viral on YouTube, as would be expected.  All of America is laughing at this video, and by extension at this woman, and she deserves it because she is fucking TEXTING WHILE SHE IS WALKING AROUND and she is paying more attention to her STUPID FUCKING CELL PHONE than to THINGS THAT COULD HURT HER.  I know that roughly anyone younger than I am will not see why this is a problem, but to most of the adult world that is the stupidest thing they have ever heard.  If I was at the mall sucking down an Orange Julius and I saw that happen, I would first wait to see if that was okay and then I would laugh my ass off once she was.  Honestly, I would probably be laughing at her while I helped her out of the fountain, and then you'd be reading all about it here anyway.  But I would almost be willing to do the sitcom thing where I say shit like "I can't believe you just did that!" and "What the hell were you thinking?" right to her face as she wiped herself off. 

Fucking put it down while
you are walking around.
      She, however, because she has no sense of humor and all of America is laughing at her, has decided that she shouldn't have to take it, and has hired a lawyer, who decided for some reason that going on Good Morning America would be a good way to get things cleared up.  Or to get on TV.  Here is the thing about her appearance on GMA that really tees me off, well it's two things so suck it: 1.) Now everybody knows your name.  Bold strategy, lady.  Here is the deal, it's still relatively early in the day as I type this, so when I searched the Internet none of the articles I found had your name, but there it was, plastered all across the bottom of GMA this morning, and I assure you it will be out there for everyone to see by noon (Editor's Note: At 3:36 pm her picture and story was on the front page of Yahoo!...the first three words of the story were her name: Cathy Cruz Marrero), and now everyone is going to know that it was you falling in the fountain because you couldn't see a face on the video so you could have remained sort of incognito and 2.) Now you have allowed everyone who doesn't use a computer or have Internet access to see your dumb ass fall into the fountain.  It went all out into homes around America today, the images of you being a dumbass.  Smooth movie dipshit.
      The main crux of Fountain Lady's complaint against the mall, etc. is that the guards spent their time laughing at her instead of sending someone to her aid.  Okay, I will play along.  But here is my point, and I am sure that it is a point that all sorts of lawyers in suits have thought of: She was so quick about getting up and getting out of the fountain that even if the guards had dispatched someone to help her, she would have been gone by the time that the guard got there.  If anything they should have dispatched a custodial professional to mop up her water puddle she had to have left on the floor, or to at least put out one of those little yellow signs that blocks off the bathroom in the Worldwide Headquarters every day at like 2:30 pm when I have to pee.       What did she fucking expect?  She got up and high tailed it out of there?  Go fuck yourself, lady.  There is no way, NO WAY, that you ever would have or could have known that they didn't send help if they hadn't posted that video on YouTube.  No way.  And, like I said, there is no way they would have been able to get to you in time anyway, so just settle down.  Sit home and stroke your wounded pride and just get over yourself, okay?  Just shut up and take your lumps and maybe learn to not be such an idiot without a sense of humor.  You did something unbelieveably stupid, and you got caught.  Now pay for it.  Don't lawyer up and get all offended.  You are everything wrong with America, Fountain Lady, and you've pissed me off.  I hope you get what you deserve.

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