Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Chef T

     Please allow me to set the stage for you, Company: It's nighttime, last night to be exact.  I come home from bowling, and I had a good time.  So I grab a bite to eat and I head to bed.  One problem: I'm not tired.  Not really tired at all.  So I putz around a little bit and then settle in under my comfy, cozy covers to catch some tube.  Two episodes of The King of Queens pass, then the same happens with South Park.  Midnight ticks by and Cops comes on (but we'll get to that tomorrow) and I am ready for two episodes of Cops any maybe then I will be ready for bed at 1 am with a 6:30 alarm staring me in the face.

Mr. T reminds First Lady Nancy Reagan
to stay in school and drink her milk.
     That's what I was prepared for, but that is not what I got.  After an extremely boring episode of Cops (but we'll get to that tomorrow) an infomercial came on for some sort of countertop plastic convection cooker that you can take steaks and chicken and fish and vegetables or pretty much anything that you want completely frozen solid and it will cook it to perfection in like 16 minutes.  It had all the things that you expect to see out of an infomercial of that type, okay?  It had rows of the little appliances.  It had an overly enthusiastic audience that was ready to be amazed by everything that happened.  It had the criminally peppy and relatively attractive but not super duper (she was like a 7 maybe) attractive woman running the show, and it had the paid B-, C-, or D-list celebrity who came in to test to food and make people think this was a good thing to buy, in this case Mr. T.
     And he did not look good.  Scratch that, he looked good.  I mean, he wasn't as muscular as he was back in his A-Team days, but he was still solid as a rock and tremendously fit.  I mean, I wouldn't want to fight him or have to tackle him.  I guess that a better way to say it would be that he wasn't very comfortable.  He didn't look very comfortable.  First of all, they had him in like this weird red mock turtleneck looking thing, and he wasn't showing any of his trademark gold chains.  He had his haircut like always, with the dark hair and the glistening shaved areas, and I am sure that the chains where there just under the shirt.  So he comes in, after the 30-something lady introduces him, by breaking down the door of the "kitchen," which requires a very high camera angle that makes it painfully obvious that it is a set just designed to look like a kitchen, which is okay because we all knew that anyway and they didn't really take a lot of pains to make it look otherwise.  No big deal.
     So far, all is cheesy but it's an infomercial so what else do you expect, right?  So all was pretty much as would be expected, but then Mr. T began talking.  Now, here is a professional actor who has done many, many different television shows, and he's been doing it for years and years and years.  Now, I can't honestly say that any of his stuff really had the most difficult lines, but nonetheless I would still consider him a veteran actor.  Hell, he wrestled in the old WWF, and that takes a high degree of acting skill, right?  So anyway, I would expect him to be all Mr. T-ish but still passable.  Nope.  He was terrible.  I don't know if he was having an off day, or was uncomfortable with what he was doing, but he was no good.  I mean seriously no good.  Have you ever seen a sitcom where someone gets an acting gig and they are all excited but then when they start they are like way-over-the-top the worst actor in the history of acting going all the way back past Shakespeare times?  Well, that how this was going down.  He was like an actor on a sitcom acting as a bad actor.  Try to wrap your head around that.  But that is what was going on.  He was stiff, like cardboard, and he was over emphasising everything, and speaking in this totally fake sort of way.  The only thing that I saw him do that was convincing was to eat the piece of steak that the lady cooked up for him.  Medium rare of course.
     It was so bad that I couldn't take it anymore.  It made my brain hurt.  The good news is, however, that when you combine it with the terribly boring episode of Cops that I had to sit through (but we will get to that tomorrow) it was enough to put me to sleep.  Unfortunately I will never be able to get those images of Mr. T - in an apron no less - failing as an actor.  Poor guy, I know he can do better and I have seen him do better.  But then again, it was just an infomercial.

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