Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Use the Telephone

   So, in case you didn't know it Company, thinking of topics to write blog posts about for you on a daily basis is not easy.  It takes creativity, patience, and a willingness to regurgitate news regularly, which is why I skip days sometimes.  That and because I am a lazy, lazy person.  That being said, when I actually am getting around to posting something, I usually scan the "Strange News" section of my friendly local newspaper's online edition to see what kind of tomfoolery is occurring all around the world.
     I have noticed, while scanning these sections, that there is one kind of news story that seems to be popping up more and more and more regularly around the country, so I am going to attempt to address the problem here today.  See, drug dealers in America must be fucking idiots, not because they are dealing drugs, but because they are doing it in a retarded sort of way.
     I understand that to sell drugs you have to make all sorts of contacts, and that you are probably young and like to text, and since you can't advertise like over the air or on billboards or other traditional media type ways, sometimes you have to reach out to your contacts.  But I would advise all you drug dealing types out there not to use text messages as a means to sell drugs.
     See, lately, there have been a lot of little news articles or snippets that have been appearing about people sending text messages to law enforcement and district attorney types offering to sell drugs, and that never ends well.  One recent example saw a text message go to a ten year old kids phone (really, a 10-year-old with a cell phone?  Is that really necessary?) whose grandfather just happened to be a State Trooper.  Another recent example saw a text message go to an assistant district attorney on her work cell.  Oops.  And so it goes.  This is a bad thing to happen to you if you are a drug dealer because those types - the police, the firefighters, the prosecutors, pretty much anyone that they talk about during the opening theme to Law & Order - they are going to initiate some sort of sting operation and arrest your ass.
     The problem, retarded drug dealers of America and Europe and really anywhere else, is that if you aren't paying attention to the number that you are texting, you have no way to know who is at the receiving end.  Like if my number is 555-1231 and I am a big pothead, but the police chief has a cell phone with the number 555-1234, then if you have fat fingers or are just a moron you could easily misdial the police chief and text him asking if he wants to buy some marijuana.  Bold strategy, because the "1" key and the "4" key are right next to one another on the phone keypad.  They are on the calculator keypad as well, but that really isn't pertinent to our discussion here today so you don't have remember that part.
     If, however, you called my number and heard the voice on the other end say "Miami-Dade Police" or maybe you heard a woman's voice or a child's voice instead of the voice you thought you were going to hear, then you would know, oh I don't know, not to offer the person on the other end illegal drugs.  That seems like a simple way to not get caught.  Even if you misdial my number and the female dispatcher at the sheriff's office picks up, you can still ask for me and when she says that there is no one there by that name you can say thank you and hang up scott free.  There is no law against accidentally dialing the wrong number.  There is no law against accidentally texting the wrong number.  But there is a law against offering to sell drugs, so once you say that or your text says that your ass is grass.  With a text to the wrong number, there is no turning back.  With a phone call you have options, now don't you.
     It seems just so simple to me, but then again I don't sell drugs so what do I know.  Maybe via text message is the only appropriate way to do it these days.  But maybe, just maybe, going a little old school is a good way to go about it.  I am not saying that you need to start carrying a beeper like this is 1991 or something, but maybe just a nice, old-fashioned telephone call will do the trick.  It will keep you from offering drugs to the governor on accident unless you are a total moron.  And in that case I guess I just can't help you at all.

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