Wednesday, December 29, 2010

An Open Letter To People on Vacation

Dear Vacationers,

      Nobody like you.  Okay?  It is even a line in a British song "Everybody hates a tourist."  So you are just going to have to deal with it.  Oh, the people might seem like they like you, like they are happy to assist you or deal with you or set up your travel package with you, but they don't really like you at all.  You are just another face to them, a face that is pissing them off.  And do you want to know why?  I will tell you why.  Because you are on vacation and they live there.  That's it.  You are there mucking up their world that they have to try to live in every single day.  So when they go to the grocery store because it's the only grocery store around, and they have to wait in line for 45 minutes because you and all your vacationing friends and kids are buying beer, the anger starts to seethe.  When you cut them off because you aren't from around here and you don't know where you are going and you don't really care anyway because you are on vacation, they anger starts to grow.  When you begin to tell them that you know all about the place because you have been coming here for twenty years or because you just read a book all about it, then it sort of explodes.  So sure, they might be nice to you when there is a chance you will tip them (which you never do enough, by the way), but once you are out of earshot they will turn on your faster than Eric Cartman.
     Don't worry though, vacationer.  They will get yours.  Because someday they will go somewhere and be the object of similar venom.  And there is nothing you can do to prevent the anger, either, so don't even bother.  Don't try to pretend you are a local, because you will still stick out like a sore thumb and that will make the locals even angrier.  If you want to be a local so bad move there, but not for retirement.  Move there and be a productive member of society.  Don't be a total dipweed tourist, either, lest you want your wallet stolen.  The easiest way to not be 116% hated is to realize that you are a tourist, pay attention to what is going on around you, know where you are going and how to get there, and most importantly do as those around you do.  Realize that there is validity in the way locals do things and that they probably do things the way they do for a reason.  Never say "Where I am from..." because nobody gives a fuck.  If you want things to be like where you are from, fucking go back there, okay?  Nobody selling magazines in Aruba fucking cares about how they arrange the magazines at the newsstand by your office in Baltimore.  Nobody in Idaho cares that in California you can pay for your stay when you check out, because you are not in California. And you are not in Baltimore.  And you are a doofus.
     Also, if you happen to catch flack from a local, have a little restraint please.  Don't bring up how much money you are spending or have spent in their area over the course of your life, because they don't care.  Just accept that they have to deal with, oh, about eleventy billion people just like you every day and maybe, just maybe, their patience slipped a little.  Don't remind them how much more than you they make (because nobody ever vacations somewhere where people are making a lot more than they are...people from Jamaica don't vacation in Switzerland, am I right?) or any of that shit.  Just accept their apology and move on.  If you get an apology.  Because everyone hates a tourist, especially when they are not on vacation themselves.  They are just trying to make a living, and you are a fucking prick.  Deal with it.

Sincerely,

Big Dave

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