Friday, December 03, 2010

Microsoft Ignores the Off Button

    Everybody out there these days seems to have an iSomething, a Droid, or a Crackberry or whatever - some sort of phone or device that lets them video, text, talk, search the web, wipe their ass, overthrow a Central American government, end world hunger, and get their hair done right from the comfort of their own phone.  Therefore, they can be constantly entertained and babysat at all times of the day, and they don't really have to pay attention or hear their own thoughts, because someone else will do those things and there will be an app for that.  Well, the minions up at Microsoft have decided that they want a piece of that - because God knows they don't make enough money as it is - and so they have developed some sort of Microsoft Windows Phone or something.  This has led me to becoming very, very angry with Microsoft.
     Well, let me qualify that.  I am more angry with whomever Microsoft hired to make their advertisements for this new phone, although I sort of suspect that maybe they just have a computer program to take care of all of that shit.  See, their pitch, to the busy VIP in all of us, is that their phone will allow you to get all your shit done and spend less time on your phone.  They then show lots of people on their phones in situations when they could or should be off it, like when they are about to get laid by a smoking hot chick in lengerie, or when they are supposed to be playing ball with their son.  In that instance, the son throws the ball at the dad and clocks him in the head at full bore, which is sweet and makes me laugh so hard that I usually start to cough and choke so much that the projector in my mind fires up and the images of my life start going by.
    The reason these advertisements get me mad is because maybe, just maybe, instead of getting off the phone quickly in those instances, YOU SHOULDN'T BE ON YOUR FUCKING PHONE IN THE FIRST PLACE!  God damn it, that was fucking simple.  Here is the deal, Company:
YOU
DON'T
NEED
TO
BE
ON
YOUR
PHONE
EVERY
MINUTE
OF
THE
GOD
DAMNED
DAY.
There.  I said it, and someone needed to break it to you, and Microsoft, and Apple, and Google, and whoever else makes a phone with apps and functions other than talking and maybe texting.  And you needed to be told in a very loud voice with a fair amount of physical slapping involved.  Listen, cell phones are great - I have one myself - but there has to be a limit.  And if you can't make it through your day without spending at least a little time not being on it fucking around with the various gadgets, then you have bigger problems and should probably be lying on an uncomfortable couch talking to a nice doctor about your mother or something.
    I catch a lot of flak from people because I turn off my cellular telephone while I am work.  First of all, I have a perfectly good land line right next to me that rings all day long, and the number is in the phone book so if you call you can ask for me and I will say "This is he" because I am the one who answers when you call me at that number.  Second, I don't get reception and all it does it draw down my battery until it is gone and that is just counter productive.  Thirdly, and most importantly, the workplace is really no place to be having your cell phone unless your job involved you being on your cell phone.  You are supposed to be at least half playing attention, not dicking around with fucking ESPN Fantasy Football App while your boss is giving a presentation or your secretary is trying to tell you that the fire alarm is going off.
     There is a reason that your phone has that big red button on it that when you hold it down turns the phone off.  It is because there are times when you just don't need to be on your phone, okay?  And if you think that the new Microsoft phone is super duper because they are promising you that you will have more time to spend doing other things because it will get you off your phone quicker, you are a double moron.  You are a moron because even if you do have more time you are just going to spend it doing other things on your phone.  And you are a double moron because all you have to do is hold down the power button, or even just set the fucking thing to silent, and you will be free of your wireless communication device.  You are just doing Facebook and Twitter anyway because nobody really wants to talk to you, which is why your phone isn't being used as a phone anymore.
    So fuck off Microsoft, I don't want a phone that is going to give me the blue screen of death once a week anyway.  And shame on you for trying to tell people that you will get them off the phone more quickly when you could just turn it off.  Maybe I will raise some money and put out some ads to make people turn off their fucking phones.  I bet that the Foundation for a Better Life would pony up for that.  A better life it would surely make.

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