Sunday, November 21, 2010

Ice Skating in the Real World

It's an ice skate.  Duh.
     I am sure that you have watched ice skating on TV before, Company.  Men and women in tight, spandex, sequined uniforms do things that are actually unbelievably impressive in their complexity and degree of difficulty.  Since I have a personal policy of being impressed by and respecting the hell out of people who do things that I can't do, I respect them and am impressed by what they do.  That being said, it's not exactly a real world situation, because they are highly trained professionals.
     We, however, in the real world, ice skate as well.  And sometimes we do it in 2000 pound, self propelled hunks of metal that we call cars.  But often we do it on our own two legs.  Like today, when I walked outside barefoot in the wintertime and surprisingly there was an eighth of an inch of ice coating everything - cars, sidewalks, bushes, etc.  I, however, was not aware of this fact, so when I hit the sidewalk at a medium pace, I was doing all sorts of real world ice skating.
     And it was glorious.  None of that super safe penguin walking that most of us do when it's icy outside, like I was doing Saturday.  Oh no.  This was glorious in its own way.  I was sliding sideways around the corner like a car careening out of control, like Lightning McQueen when he finally figured out how to turn on dirt.  There were arms flailing about and - for a brief moment - I was on one foot and there was actually a leg flailing about as well.  I may have actually performed a triple lutz, or a double sow cow, even though I don't even know what those things are.  I am still pretty sure that I pulled them off, and they might have even been in a row.  There was an Austrian guy, a Mexican guy, and a Belorussian guy sitting on a bench across the street, and I got a 9.7, 9.5, and 8.5, respectively.  I always get screwed by the Eastern European judge.
     Anyway, the point here is that you can see ice skating for like six months out of the year if you go to the right part of the United States, or most of Canada.  And all of Greenland, because even if you are in the part that is actually green there is still a glacier nearby that someone will by trying to walk on.  So I guess that what I am saying is that if you are an ice skating fan, or an aspiring ice skater, there is no more buying sure expensive satellite TV packages to watch your sport, or waking up at 4:30 am to get to the rink and get ice time to practice before the hockey players show up.  Nope, just go outside in the winter.  Sit on a park bench, not only will you be able to watch lots of real world ice skating, you will be part of it on your way to the park bench.  It's great.  And hey, if you are on the right park bench, me and my super sow cow double lutz action might show up.

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