Friday, September 10, 2010
Ten Lists in Ten Days: Ten Things You Didn't Know You Needed
1.) Chap Stick - With the exception of a certain segment of the female population who carry it religiously in their purses, most of us don't know where our Chap Stick is at any given moment. I can't tell you where any of my tubes are right now, and quite frankly, even if I were able to find them they would probably be all grossed out from being in my pocket on a hot day or there is an equally good chance that they have gone through the wash and are now useless. So you need it, and you might as well buy two while you are waiting for the woman in front of you to write out her check for her groceries.
2.) Fingernail Clippers - Holy shit! Look down at your feet through those Jesus Cruisers and take a peek at those terrrible toenails. Don't wait until you get home, buy those toenail clippers right now and take care of it before you even get to the car. Then, when you get home and notice that you already had sixty-four toenail clippers, you can throw it in with your camping stuff or leave them at your girlfriend's house.
3.) Carmex - Even though you just bought all that Chap Stick which costs more than you think something that size should, you still need Carmex. First of all, it comes in a little glass container with a red lid, so you know it's good. Plus, that Chap Stick isn't going to do a lot to help all those mouth herpes you are sprouting there, Lip Slut. Also, everyone needs a little tub of Carmex in their house somewhere, and just like the Chap Stick you don't know where yours is. So buy it, and then forget about it and leave it in your car for three years like everyone else does.
4.) US Weekly - The person in front of you has nine hundred twenty-one items, so you need an US Weekly in your life. First of all, you've already looked over all the front covers of all the gossip rags on the rack, including Soap Opera Weekly. So you might as well at least pick it up; you are dying to read that article about the cast of Knight Rider and where they are now anyway. Plus, you know that section where they talk about the stars being just like us is your favorite thing in the history of things that doesn't involve someone touching your naughty spots. So just buy it and don't read it and put it back like a rat. Someone is earning a living by writing, photographing, stocking, or printing that thing. Jerko.
5.) Gum - Yeah, you need gum. Your breath smells and you are bored and the packaging is so colorful. Besides, even if your breath doesn't smell right now it will someday in the future, and that stuff keeps forever. Like Twinkie forever.
6.) More Gum - Yeah, did you really think that one pack of Juicy Fruit was going to be enough, Company?
7.) Take 5 - Mmmm...delicious candy bar, with chocolate and peanut butter and pretzels, it's pretty much heaven in a red wrapper. Plus, this one you can eat while you wait so that you don't pass out from hunger during your long wait for the price check, and then you can just take the wrapper up and have it scanned and pay for it. If you get a dirty look from the cashier, remind them that they are a high school bitch, and then tell them that you are diabetic. Then they will feel like shit and they will never know you lied. Unless of course you are diabetic and you had to eat them because your blood sugar was dropping, in which case we are all glad that you are okay.
8.) Bic Lighter - You don't even smoke, I know. But you see those lighters there and they are maybe the mini ones and they are only like 99¢ for three of them, and everyone is sort of secretly a little bit of a pyro down deep inside so why the hell not buy them? It's not like they aren't going to ever come in handy: you ARE going to a Guns n' Roses concert next month and you are going to need something to flick during the ballads. Even if you just sit on your front porch and repeatedly flick them to see the flame and hear the click you are at least getting some enjoyment out of them. So put them in your cart and shut up, and try to wipe those thoughts of that pile of tinder-dry garbage and branches piled up against the back entrance of the old abandoned tannery across town out of your head.
9.) Pez Dispenser - If you can find one of these at the checkout you must buy it immediately. It fits the '81 Honda mold from Employee of the Month: If you find a pez dispenser at the checkout of a grocery store, you buy it, no questions asked. It loses something in the translation, just ask Guy H, formerly of Sand River, MI all about that joke. But anyway, if you see it buy it, especially if it comes with that little package of Pez. Everyone loves Pez, the dispensers are fun, and they are a bona fide piece of Americana. Besides you might get one of the super rare Arthur Fonzarelli or Johnny Chimpo versions, and then you will be sitting pretty my friend.
10.) Chip Clips - Well hell retard, you just bought nineteen bags of Doritos, maybe you should invest in a chip clip or two. You don't want your Tacos at Midnight flavored snack chips to go bad because you went on a two-week Cool Ranch bender and you didn't have a way to appropriately seal the bag. Shit, you should probably buy two or three sets of the clips anyway, because you know at least half of them will go to projects other than clipping bags of snack chips closed. Things like holding back the curtains or pinning back some girl's hair while she is down in your special area or feebly trying to hold something in place in the garage while you cut it with the circular saw. Hell, most of mine spend the bulk of their lives in the freezer holding bags of green peas shut. So it's not like you are going to have too many, Company. Even if you do you can sell some of them at a rummage sale or something.