Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Ten Lists in Ten Days: Ten Dumbass People

We had so much fun with our last "Ten Lists in Ten Days" special promotion that we are doing it again.  Today: Ten Dumbass People.

1.)  Mark Eskelsen - The homeless Beaverton, Oregon man called 911, identified himself as the Sheriff of Washington County and asked for medical help.  He then admitted to the 911 operator that he wasn't the sheriff but said he'd been "yelling for about an hour and a half." He informed authorities that he had been in the water for about 10 hours and his towels had gotten wet.  Probably from all the yelling.  Direct quote: "I just need a hug and a warm cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it."  What he got was cold steel cuffs and the backseat of a squad car.  Police are investigating him for second-degree criminal trespass and improper use of 911.

2.)  Robert Craig - Craig, who has two first names, of Killingworth, Connecticut fell out of his 2006 Dodge Charger in the middle of I-95 near Darien, Connecticut and proceeded to watch his car travel about a fifth of a mile before it crashed into a guardrail and light post.  Unfortunately it did not burst into flame, because that would have been appropriate and cool.  Craig seems to be okay as he was helped by passing motorists to safety.  The point here, Company, is that you have to be pretty fucking stupid to manage to fall out of a Dodge Charger.

3.)  Stanley Lostumbo - First of all, he was attempting to steal from vending machines at a Syracuse, NY mall.  Dumb.  Then, when they tried to apprehend him, he decided to run from authorities and chose a dump truck with which to do it.  Then, because apparently compounding things is his forté, he drove through the streets, highways, railroad tracks, backyards, and schoolyards of Syracuse during his escape attempt.  When he tried to back into one of the pursuing squad cars, police shot him in the shoulder.  He was briefly hospitalized for his injury, and now is being questioned by police.  I hope that 3 Musketeers was worth it.

4.)  Unnamed Montana Teenager - The teen, whose name has not been released and who has not been charged, accidentally texted Lewis and Clark County Sheriff Leo Dutton and asked "Hey Dawg, do you have a $20 I can buy right now?"  That's right, he texted the sheriff and asked to buy pot.  The sheriff responded, then forwarded it to a detective who set up a buy.  The detective called the unnamed teen three times to verify it was him.  The teenager showed up with another teen and a man who turned out to be one of the kids fathers.  No citations were issued because the parents of both teens got involved.  I like how this one turned out, because assumedly the father arrived because he had already sniffed out and figured out what was going on and was taking care of it in some way, shape, or form, and the police used their discretion and better judgement and didn't go overboard, with Sheriff Dutton saying "Trying to buy drugs is a crime, but it's probably worse that they had to face their parents."  Good job all around.  Expect the kids that is.  Dumbasses.

5.)  Darlene Newara - Newara, 45, managed to shock both herself and her brother with a stun gun during an argument outside an Erie, Pennsylvania store.  The was drunk off her ass, buying more liquor, and had her three sons in her car.  Bold strategy.  Let's see how those charges of driving under the influence, disorderly conduct for fighting, and public drunkenness work out for you.

6.)  Unidentified Wyoming Woman - Her boyfriend and another man were stopped along a Wyoming highway and there was drug paraphernalia found in their vehicle.  There was also found a small baggie containing an unknown powder.  Since the woman owned the car, authorities contacted her about the substance, which she said was the cremated remains of her grandmother.  The two had always been close, and she always keeps the ashes in her car.  Now, that is not strange to me, I understand that in a sort of way.  We want to keep our loved ones close to us, so many people have urns in their home, or they carry a small amount of ashes in a specially designed necklace around their necks, or whatever.  That, to me, is a normal human response and behavior. But you have to keep it in something a little more substantial than a plastic baggie.  Besides, if you were so close to your late grandmother don't you think that you would want her to be something a little more special?  I would.  But that is just me.

7.)  Unidentified French Man - He was caught in the act attempting to dazzle pilots with a laser beam at Paris' Orly Airport, the second-busiest airport in all of France.  Bold strategy.  Several crews alerted the tower, which contacted police, who caught the man in the act.  I am not sure why one would want to do this, but there has to be a reason to want to cause a horrific plane crash.  Maybe he worked for the BEA and wanted to make sure his job was secure.  Maybe he works for the company that makes that foam that they are always spraying on airport runways and burning carcasses of crashed airplanes.  Who knows?  I can tell you this though, you are a fucking idiot to put that many people in peril for whatever reason.  You are also a fucking idiot because if you are standing near the runway and cause the plane to crash, where do you think it is going to crash?  Right on top of you, moron.  I hope the authorities tell the other prisoners that you did awful things to children so they make your life a living hell.

8.)  Oliver Beel - The Germain man was fired for stealing 2¢ worth of electricity from his employer.  He asked to be reinstated and won in court, with the court finding that the punishment was disproportionate to the crime for the 19-year employee.  What did he do to get fired? He charged his Segway for an hour and a half on the company dime.  The reason he is a dumbass is because he owns a Segway and and uses it enough to have to recharge it.

9.)  Tsutomu Mizumoto - He drove 55 miles the wrong way on a Japanese freeway because his cat died.  Mizumoto, 31, thought that he should do something crazy, so he did.  He drove all that way, smashed through five (5) of the finest Japanese roadblocks and a tollgate for like an hour and a half before he was detained.  Interesting.  In Japan they have traffic cameras that take a picture of your license plate AND your face so they can send you a ticket for speeding, but when you are driving the wrong way then they can only take a picture of the back of your head.  Genius.  Too bad all those other folks driving towards you but made your face.  Anyway, your cat sucked and the mourning certainly wasn't worth whatever the Japanese penal system is going to throw at you.  Cats are a dime a dozen and they are cats.  So they are dumb.  And generally evil.

10.)  Carl and Diane Buckalew - Speaking of cats, these people are dumb for not realizing that cats are evil pricks who can't be trusted.  Newlyweds of one month (Congratulations!), Diane left an amethyst ring and her 4-CARAT, $40,000 DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING on the counter in the bathroom of their suburban Memphis home.  They had to pay $895.20 to have two technicians from a company called Mr. Rooter to come out to the home (which is in Mississippi by the way, go figure), string a camera down the drain, locate the jewelery, dig a three-foot hole, and have Carl flush the toilet.  They were successful and the rings came out into the hands of one of the technicians.  Happy ending I suppose, but I am not sure deserved.  See, if you 1.) own a cat and don't realize that they FUCKING LOVE SHINY THINGS! and 2.) name it Jinxe (which they did) and 3.) buy a 4-carat engagement ring but then elope to Vegas for your wedding (which they did) and 4.) leave your ring lying around on the counter unattended at night then maybe you don't deserve to get it back because it obviously doesn't mean enough to you to take reasonable and prudent care of it.  So congratulations, now your stupid cat has cost you $900, which is considerably more than each of the two paychecks I get every month I must add.  Wonderful.  I hope that you sold it for python food to recoup some of your money.

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