Okay, okay, maybe that was a little inappropriate. Let's try again.
Dear Electric Company,
Go fuck yourself.
That's a little better. Oh, don't worry, it is all okay. I said "love" at the end of it. See, you can say anything you want as long as you end your letter with "love." The point here, anyway, is that I am a little bit pissed at the electric company right now.
I am not so much opposed to paying for electricity, okay? I lack the equipment, knowledge, and desire to produce my own electricity, and electricity is one of the greatest single means to living a decent life, I want it. So I am willing to pay for it. I used to live in a place with a municipal electric utility, which meant that electricity was super cheap because it was produced for the town at cost, not for profit, so that was cool. But now I have to pay money to a company that profits from making and selling electricity, and I am even okay with that because - like I said - I like light and heat and my stove and my fridge and the same alarm clock that I have had since I was in middle school.
And so I tried to pay for it today. First I tried to pay it online, but I couldn't. Well, scratch that, I could have, but every online payment option that I attempted to choose led me to the same screen asking me to sign in with a user name and password. Hmmm...I don't have a user name. And I don't have a password. Okay, fine, give me one. I will add another user name and password to my already unmanageable and unrememberable list. Funny thing about that website though, is that when it is asking you for your user name and password, there is no link leading you to a place to get one should you not have one. Quick question Thomas Edison: How am I supposed to get a user name and password if you don't give me the option of signing up for one? SOMEONE FUCKING EXPLAIN THAT TO ME!
Kiss my ass Internet. You've been good to me and provided me with an awful lot of entertainment and opportunity, but I don't need you. The funny thing about technology is that just because the old technology is obsolete doesn't mean that it doesn't work anymore. You can still pop a cap in your ass with a block powder musket, can't you? And it does list paying by phone as an option on your bitch ass little website that won't give me a user name and password. So fuck you website, ten digits with a one before them and I am paid up. So what's the number? Seriously, what's the number? I can't find the number on this fucking website. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME THE NUMBER!?!?!? Why the fuck would you advertise payment by phone and then not give out the number? That is like making people have a user name and password but not giving them the option to sign up for one.
What the hell is going on here? I guess that I am just going to have to pay in person like they used to do in the days of yore. I will walk into your office and plunk down a check, maybe even some cash if I want to feel like a real badass. But I am not that badass, so I will probably use a check. Too bad you closed your office in town here to the public as a way of saving a buck because then you don't have to pay a receptionist or the lights for the lobby, etc. In fact, you won't even let me drop my payment in the slot anymore because you are too fucking cheap to send someone up to pick it up and return it with the internal mail. Bullshit. Fucking bullshit horeshit God-damn Communism. I can, however, go to the place across the street and pay my bill, but it's going to cost me an extra buck for the convenience.
When I found that out, that was when I really lost my shit. I HAVE NEVER FOUND A COMPANY THAT WANTS ME TO PAY TO BAD BUT MAKES IT SO HARD TO PAY. That doesn't make sense. That makes no fucking sense. If any sort of judge or jury of my peers ever got a hold of that one in a court of law ( not a jury of their peers, because corporate types would all think this makes perfect sense) they would lock you up for being loonier than a Canadian dollar coin. So let me get this straight - you are going to demand I pay you but then charge me for the privilege? That's fucked up. No wait, that is straight up, 100% pure, unadulterated asshole behavior, that is what it is. Because my options to give you money are now a.) use my online account which you will not tell me how to get, b.) pay by phone via a number you will not disclose, c.) pay the postal service to send you back the little bill you send me at the beginning of the month or d.) pay an extra dollar to do it at the store.
I cannot even begin to tell you how angry this makes me. This is how people have heart attacks and brain aneurysms and other various blood clots in their bodies, because they have to put up with this fucking retarded bullshit. You go to pay a bill that you are fully willing to pay and they don't seem to want you to do it. I have never experienced another company that makes it as difficult to give them money as my electric company. Maybe PePe's cell phone company, but I am pretty sure the electric company takes the fucking cake. Here is an idea electric company idiots: maybe if you would make it easier for me to pay you - that's right, I FUCKING WANT TO GIVE YOU MONEY - you could keep a couple of more offices open or collect the payments at a few more locations or maybe you could spring for someone to type out a phone number payment line number on your fucking God-damn useless website. Or just sign up with PayPal. Those guys are great. They make it easy to take my money.
So anyway, electric company, blow it out your ass, eat it up, vomit it up, and then go to hell. I am seriously considering not paying you because you just don't seem to want my money. But then again, I really like that microwave, so I guess that you are lucky. This time.