|The Secret is out for this guy.|
That was, of course, deoderant, which combats odor at the source and which can be sprayed or sort of rubbed on there. And it is great. They make deoderant, which covers the smell, anti-persperant which supposedly stops you from sweating, and combinations which make you smell good and be dry at the same time. Fantastic! So what is all that about? Why the big deal about fucking deoderant? I can hear you asking these pertinent questions, Company. And they are good questions. They are important today because the Popularity Issue tells us that the most popular, i.e. best selling, deoderant is Secret.
Yeah, you know "Strong enough for a man, made for a woman" or one of the many, many versions of the slogan that they used since 1973 when they started making the stuff. I remember it as "strong enough for a man, pH balanced for a woman" which is similar. Anyway, I digress. The reason this is important, and that the runners up are, in order, Axe, Old Spice, Degree, and Dove. What does this tell us? That is the question we are asking today.
First of all, it tells us that there are more versions of deoderant sort of geared towards men, as they take up three of the four spots. Dove and Secret are for the chicks, and that is only two spots. I tried to figure out if this told us that girls wear more deoderant than boys, or vice versa, but I couldn't make it work in a way that made sense for either side. So I am going to skip it and move on.
I am going to move on to sex, not having it so much as using it to sell things, at least to guys. Because, see, Axe commercials are filled with smoking hot chicks and relatively good looking guys, and all their ads basically in a very television-appropriate-but-cool-man-sort-of-way saying that you will get tons of pussy if you spray yourself with their stuff. Old Spice uses somewhat of the same formula but focuses a little more on the cool-man way of saying things and less on the implying-you-will-get-laid strategy. I have never seen anything that has made me remotely horny in a Degree commercial, except for during that short phase when I found gel deoderant extrememly attractive. Wait, what? Who said that?
So anyway, we know that sex sells at least when we are talking about boys, and we know that men and women have their own deoderants. We also know that there are more boy deoderants than girl deoderants. We also have found that I cannot consistently call them men and women or boys and girls or males and females. And we can also infer that we don't wear enough deoderant as a people because there are roughly $300 million of us floating around in America, and we sold only about 582 million units. So that is like two per person per year...that's fucking nutso. Now, I know that there are a lot of kids and elderly floating around who don't wear the stuff, but still? Two containers per year for each person? That doesn't sound like enough because I know we smell way worse than that.
But I digress, so congratulations to the Proctor & Gamble folks on your high honor. You are the most popular at making us reek less than we normally do. I hope you enjoy your award and good luck next year. I know that you won't sweat it.