Friday, August 06, 2010

At the Gym

     It is a pretty well documented fact that Lewis Black does not like what he calls health clubs.  I like to call it the gym.  He feels that they are stupid and useless.  That if you run, as if you were on a treadmill, that you should end up somewhere different.  That in a city like New York where there are more stairs than anywhere else in the world you are sort of an r-tard if you are going to the gym to use what he calls "special stairs."  And I have to say that I can't agree more.
     I have lots of friends and loved ones who go to the gym.  Those people are fucking idiots.  First of all, the gym is expensive.  Even the YMCA, which is the cheapest around anywhere really, is like $25 per month, which, added up, is like $300 per year if my NASA supercomputers are correct.  Do you know how much penny candy you can buy with $300?  A whole fucking lot.
      Aside from the gym being expensive, the main reason that I don't like it is because it's fucking stupid.  Not the idea of fitness.  Although I am not a big fan of running and sitting on the elliptical and stuff, I still think exercise is good for you.  I am actually happy to do it as long as there is a clock or score involved.  But I am not going to go to the gym because, well, you can do all those gym type things for free outside.
      We can go through them one by one if you'd like, Company.  Treadmill?  Yeah, well there are thousands of miles of paved roads that lead away from every friendly local gym, and many thousand of unpaid ones floating around as well.  I am not sure if anyone ever mentioned it to you but you can run on all of them for free.  And those fancy multi-thousand dollar treadmills that incline.  Well we call those hills and they are all over the place as well, unless of course you live on the Ukrainian prairies or the Argentine Pampa or something.  Weight?  There are plenty of people who would love to have you help them move, and last I checked most of their shit is pretty heavy.  And that is all those weights are is heavy shit for you to lift.  So you might as well just be useful while you are at it.  If you don't like people, then go pick up rocks or get a second job hauling around scrap metal.  Then you'd be making money instead of paying it out to watch yourself work out.  That is super retarded too by the way.  Oh, and that cycling class that you paid $50 extra for?  Well, you've probably figured that out on your own by now, except that no one will be yelling at you while you are riding your bike around.  Except for maybe those angry motorists.
      So what have we proved today, Company?  We have proved that there are many, many stupid people in this world who would rather pay money to work out than to just go outside and play.  All that shit that you do in the hot, sweaty gym you probably did outside on the playground when you were a kid.  Think about that.  All you really need to do is go outside and run around.  Not into the gym to fake run, fake cycle, and life fake heavy things.  It is so simple.  So easy.  I am surprised that you didn't think of it yourself.  But then again, you were in such a hurry to get to the health club.

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