Tuesday, July 20, 2010

You Are Yelling At the Wrong Person

    You know what I hate, Company?  I hate it when people yell at me for things THAT AREN'T MY FUCKING FAULT!  Those people can fuck off and go to hell.  They make me want to kick them until they start shaking, then kick them until they stop.  Then I want to hit them with a baseball bat just for good measure.  I want to kick them in the back of the knees so they fall down then jump on them and punch them in the face until I black out and wake up wondering why there is blood on my hands and there are teeth surrounding me on the ground.  That's what they make me want to do.
    Here is the deal, Colonel Pissbag, if you don't want the product that I am offering, that is fine.  No one is making you buy it.  If you don't like the features then don't partake.  I am not on the phone pressuring you to get it.  No.  So then, when you don't like what I have to offer just say no thank you.  You don't have to sit on your high horse and yell at me.  Wanna know why?  Well first of all because I don't fucking give a shit about what you think and what you want.  But mostly because I DIDN'T MAKE THE PRODUCT ASSHOLE!  I am not the one who did the development, I am not the one who made the rules and regulations.  I am just the poor guy who happened to answer the number you dialed.  In fact, I am sort of surprised I even had to talk to you at all because you can't be smart enough to dial the phone for yourself.  Either you mashed your hand on the keypad and you happened to get through, or your mommy dialed for you because you are obviously a moronic idiot who can't comprehend basic thoughts and idea.  What number NASCAR sticker is on the back of your SUV?     Sorry, that was uncalled for.  I know lots of nice, intelligent NASCAR fans and plenty of wonderful, smart people who drive SUV's.  I shouldn't be disparaging these fine, American institutions by associating them with the fucking small-dick penis wrinkle who can't control their fucking cave-man temper and who is yelling at me on the phone.
     "Woah, Big Dave, why the anger?  And I should point out that you are flying a little bit off the handle here yourself."  You want me to start in on you, Company?  Because I am a little worked up right now.  But I digress.  Here is the difference between me and the no-talent ass-clown on the phone yelling at me about things that aren't my fault.  First of all, right now, as you read this.  I am not yelling at someone, I am yelling about someone.  For me to be doing to you what he did to me would mean that I was yelling at you for reading this post the wrong way.  So it is a little different.  Secondly, I sort of understand where he is coming from.  The people who don't like my product are generally not going to like any of the products available for sale out there, and that is just life.  So I get that it's frustrating.  I really do.  But these people that are yelling at me for things that again, AREN'T MY FUCKING FAULT, they don't even want to begin to undertand my side of things.  They just want to be a douchebag with a gigantic stick up their fucking ass.  Third, I am an asshole in sort of an indearing, cuddly sort of way.  He is an asshole in a way that he needs an attitude adjustment, which I want to give to him by hitting him in the sack with a tire iron.
     The thing about it is, Company, that I don't really mind being yelled at, sometimes everyone needs to be yelled at.  But here is the kicker, the condition if you will: I only don't mind when I am being yelled at FOR SOMETHING I FUCKING DID!  I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT WHEN IT'S NOT MY FAULT!  Did I mess up?  Fine, let me have it.  Something that I have no control over?  Get bent.  I hope you fall off your high horse and land asshole first on a fence post.  I hope it scrapes the front of your brain on the way through and gives you a lobotomy because you don't have a personality that anyone should have to deal with.  So to all the people yelling at me for things that aren't my fault: go fuck yourselves and I hope you rot in hell.  Have a nice day everyone! You know, except the guy.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like this guy could use a zap from the Big Dave and Company cattle prod. Any idea where we could buy one?

BradPerala said...

Angry Dave is fun to read. But you're being very un-dude.