Friday, July 16, 2010

The Shirtless Wonder

This is a T-shirt.  Fucking put it on.
     I am wondering exactly why it suddenly became all the rage for every Tom, Dick, and Douchebag to wander around through their life with no shirt on.  It's stupid, it's barbaric, and most importantly it's moronic.
     There are, of course, some instances in which it is okay to run around with no shirt on.  One of those instances is if one is swimming.  Another is if you are in your home in the process of getting dressed.  Another would be if you were just about to partake in the services of the friendly local brothel.  Those are all situations in which I would expect you to have a shirt on, but you know what, idiotic douchebag?  Strolling through a residential neighborhood with your dumbass girlfriend is not a shirtless occasion. 
   "Oh, but it's hot outside."  Shut the fuck up.  It is not that hot.  If it was so hot you would be wearing shorts.  Oh, but you're not wearing shorts.  You are wearing dumb looking jeans that you probably paid way too much for and that don't even look all that especially cool.  You paid so much for them that you couldn't even afford a shirt, for Christ's sake.  But really, here is the deal: if it is hot enough for you to not wear a shirt, it is hot enough that you SHOULDN'T BE WEARING FUCKING PANTS!  The only exception to this rule is if you are a logger or construction worker, or something along those lines, where you have to wear pants to protect yourself from all sorts of dangers (for example: chainsaws, concrete, wood splinters, or welding torches) and maybe you took your shirt off on your break.  That's okay.  But you don't look like a lumberjack or construction worker, in fact, I kind of get the impression that you are one of those types who spends an inordinate amount on clothes, electronics, and other assorted accessories but who doesn't actually have any income.  I would also suspect that you drive a compact foreign family car with a giant shopping cart handle bolted onto the back and some clearouts on the lights but with no real or useful performance mods.  Just call it a hunch.
     Nope, you are walking around shirtless because you think it is super cool, and that it makes you look tough, and because your genius girlfriend told you she thinks it makes you look hot, and by that I mean "I want to rip your clothes off" hot, not temperature hot, which is convenient because you have half the normal amount of clothes that need to be ripped off.  But I digress.  The point here is that you need to put a fucking shirt on because you sort of just look like a retarded retard who can't figure out how to dress themselves. "Oh man, I can't figure out what color would look good with these sweet jeans my mom just bought me."  Yeah, go to hell.  Anyone would rather see you wearing the wrong colored shirt than see your dumbass abdomen sticking out as you cut through their yard.  That's the way it is.  Dumbass.

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