Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Name Dropping

     Here is the deal, Company.  I don't give a fucking shit who you are.  That's why I am not impressed by you dropping names, okay?
      Here is the deal: there is a time and a place for dropping names, okay?  Maybe when you just honked Charlie Sheen and you just got back and your panties are gone and you are telling all your girlfriends about it and you are selling your stained black dress to the good folks at the National Enquirer.  Maybe when you are super famous and you want to get into a sheik Hollywood club.  Sure.  But not for trivial matters.
     Case in point, and by case in point I mean the instance that pissed me all off.  Guy calls the office, but not my office, he calls my counterpart in another county and says "I want you to call Big Dave's county and tell them that I want them to check my neighbor yard because something isn't right there.  By the way I am not there and I will be leaving to go there at 3 PM."  This call occurs sometime in the morning.  So they call us up and say "This is Joe Blow from Jingwak County and Supervisor Fuckbag McGee just called and said he wants you to check out the people who live next door to his summer home.  He says their shit isn't in line and he's on his way up there, he's leaving at 3.  Thanks."  So my office goes bat shit nuts calling people out in the community, interrupting shit, all because we want to be nice to the guys in Jingwak County.  We call that professional courtesy.
     Here's the thing though: there is a limit.  Should we disrupt all of the going on in our office just because Fuckbag McGee is coming to town?  No.  Should we provide a lesser amount of service to the good people who did what they were supposed to do and called in and waited their turn just because Fuckbag McGee is a fucking retarded idiot who thinks he is special?  Hell no.  But we did and I got pissed.
     So I started doing some digging.  Turns out there is no Supervisor Fuckbag McGee in Jingwak County.  None at all.  I even looked through all the town folks.  WHAT THE FUCK'S WITH THAT?  Turns out he was a FORMER Supervisor, which - I don't know if you know this, Company - is vastly different from a current Supervisor.  The important qualifier "former" tacked on to it means YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING OFFICIAL ANYMORE!  YOU ARE JUST A WASHED UP OLD MAN WHO THINKS YOU ARE STILL IMPORTANT.  So not only did he drop is basically worthless name but he added a title that is no longer his.  So now not only am I going to kick him in the sack I am going to fine the hell out of him for false advertising.
     If Fuckbag McGee wanted to drop a name, there is a way to go about it; an appropriate time and circumstance.  Here would have been a more acceptable way of doing it: Call like a normal person, and trust us to have good enough public service to get it taken care of.  Then, if we don't, casually mention who you are and then maybe that will put the spurs to us.  YOU DO NOT NEED TO PULL STRINGS RIGHT OFF THE BAT.  I can't type that in large enough caps.  I really want to make it as large as the stuff before but that would have been a bit excessive so I just made it bold.  And in a different font.  But you get the point. 
     This just makes me want to scream.  People who do this make me want to scream and kick things until I break my feet.  I want to demolish a house with nothing but a claw hammer in the most haphazard and least productive means possible.  I just want destruction and vengeance.  I want people to be running and cowarding in terror in their homes when I come by.  Mostly, I just want Fuckbag McGee to go away.  That's not true.  I want him to be in a mental institution, slowly going insane because all the other patients don't know or care who he is or who he was.  I want an orderly dressed completely in white to say "Yeah, that's great" and give him a cup full of pills.  Because you don't name drop for no reason.  And if you do, you don't go it yourself.  You get an Unpaid Intern to do it for you like I do.


Mikealicious said...

I'm glad "angry" Big Dave is back. Its fun to hear from him time to time.

KingBobb said...

I agree. It makes me smile at the terror he instills within the confines of the area immediately surrounding the Secret Headquarters.