Thursday, July 15, 2010

Fatso's Midnight Snack

     I have known a lot of people who have done some stupid ass things when intoxicated.  And I mean stupid ass things.  But there is something special about intoxication in Australia I think - I mean, this is the place where someone got caught with his beer strapped into a seat belt but not his child.  So I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised that someone tried to ride a saltwater crocodile when all drunked up the other day, but I am nonetheless.
     That's right, an Australian man is recovering in a friendly local hospital with serious wounds - serious wounds that required surgery - after he attempted to ride a salt water crocodile in the western town of Broome.  And not just any saltwater crocodile.    He chose, in his drunken stupor, an 1800 lb. version appropriately named Fatso.  They do like to go big or go home down there I suppose.
     Local man Michael Newman was ejected from a friendly local drinking establishment for being too drunk, when he took it upon himself to climb a fence into a crocodile enclosure at some sort of wild animal park and proceeded to attempt to ride Fatso, much like Brick Tamland rides a bear in Anchorman when he says "Look, I am riding a furry tractor!" Once in the enclosure, and once Mikey had declared his intentions, Fatso bit the hell out of him.  Chomp, chomp.  As would be expected. 
     Actually, it was not as to be expected.  See, saltwater crocodiles, especially large ones, generally don't allow things to survive once they attack.  Malcolm Douglas, the owner of the park, and by extension Fatso, noted "If it had been warmer and Fatso was more alert, we would have been dealing with a fatality...once [saltwater crocodiles] get a hold of you, they are not renowned for letting you go."  I couldn't have said it better.  Mr. Douglas attributes the sluggishness of the crocodile to a recent cold snap in the area.  Officials attribute the idiocy of Mr. Newman to the massive amounts of alcohol.
     Eventually, after the attack, Mikey climbed back over the fence to get out, and staggered back to the bar from which he had been ejected with bark hanging off him and flesh missing from his limbs.  And he's lucky in a way, because he is alive, but he is unlucky in that he is going to get made fun of forever in eternity.and he has a chunk missing from his leg.  So here is the point behind the story: don't get drunk and ride a crocodile.  Or maybe the point is that you have to go big or go home when it comes to the Land Down Under. I don't know, maybe we should ask Fatso.

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