Monday, June 21, 2010

My Future's So Bright...

     So, I was looking at a picture of Lady Gaga at a Yankees game, and she was decked out in what was a conservative outfit for the singer.  She had a Yankees jersey on, although it was half opened to expose a black lacy bra, which is fine, but bikini bottoms and fishnets on the bottom.  Very Lady Gaga.  What I noticed though, where the perfectly round super black sunglasses that adorned her face.  Her face looked very much like a female Johnny Depp.  But I started thinking about all the pictures I have seen of Lady Gaga lately and she always seems to be wearing dark sunglasses.  Then I sort of flashed back to game seven of the NBA Finals, when all the celebrities who were suddenly Lakers (The Yankees of the NBA) fans were being shown on television, and they all seemed to be wearing sunglasses.  Inside.  To watch a basketball game.  Indoors.  At night.  What the fuck?
     I wonder then, if all those celebrity types, when they remove their sunglasses, do they hiss and shrink back towards the darkness?  Do they begin to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West in a rain shower?  There is no way that they get enough light into their retinas, passing over their rods and cones, to actually see anything in a meaningful way.  Perhaps that is why they all have posses or handlers or personal assisstants perpetually glued to their hips 24/7/365.  That is because they can't see anything as they walk around.  If they didn't have those handlers they would fall down the top step of the Stapes Center and tumble all the way down to the floor and take out Ron Artest, or even worse, they might go to a Clippers game by mistake.
      So what is the deal with the sunglasses then, anyway?  Why do they need them.  I might be willing to give Lady Gaga a little bit of a pass on this one, since she has been out at a lot of baseball games recently, and in many parts of the country those are still held outside.  But I am not sure about the rest of the yahoos.  If you are a famour actor or director or singer sitting at a basketball game, having a pair of sunglasses that cost more than my monthly car payment sitting on your face isn't going to prevent anyone from recognizing you.  Not one bit.  "Oh, but we don't want them to see which player we are looking at.  Me, I am always scoping the crowd for chicks."  Thanks Jack Nicholson, we know that.  First of all, you are the number one sunglasses inside offender, and secondly, you use a pair of really creepy really small binoculars to scope jailbait in the upper deck.  "Oh I know, but wearing sunglasses inside makes us look cool."
      No, it makes you look insane.  It makes you look like you have lost touch with reality, which in all honesty you probably have.  It also make everyone in America think you are a raging, mega-hard douchebag because you are at the event to be seen, not because you like basketball or baseball or cage fighting or live tapings of Supermarket Sweep.  The reason that you look like you should be wearing a helmet, is because 99.97% of the rest of the people at the game aren't wearing sunglasses, unless it is a baseball game or maybe a daytime football game.  And when one is that far out of step with everyone else, of course it makes you look bonkers.  That's why peer pressure works so well, dillhole.  So take off those silly ass glasses, okay?  Don't wear your sunglasses at night.  Look at how well that worked out for whichever Corey did that.