Friday, June 18, 2010


     Here are some headlines that I saw in a friendly local newspaper the other day, and the thoughts they bring to my mind.  Beware, I didn't actually read any of the articles, I just read the headlines and went with it.  If you want to read the articles then you are on your own, sister.

Cops Find Naked Drunk Men Covered in Mud in Woods
First of all, since when is it okay to call police officers "cops" in the media.  In the street, sure, but I am not sure about in a headline.  Secondly, I would suspect that this happens more than one would like to believe.  Not the whole police finding them part, but I am sure a lot of naked drunken people have been found in the woods before like by hikers or their friends.  I have found mud covered drunken people in the woods before, although thankfully they were never naked.  However, if it was the right person it might have been nice to have them naked too...

Dog Spots Gator in Ohio That's Captured Barehanded
What the fuck?  Not only do I not know what is going on here because this headline seems to be cobbled together from random words, but something about the combination of "dog," "gator," "Ohio," and "barehanded" really makes me confused.  Although, it sort of sounds like the plot to one of those bachelor party movies that us guys like so much.

Crafty Gorilla Tries to Use Branch to Flee Exhibit
Okay, was the exhibit so terrible that even the gorilla didn't want to see it anymore?  Just kidding.  I would assume that the gorilla was the exhibit, like at a zoo or circus or something, and that he just wanted out of confinement.  Fair enough.  My issue here is that I would suspect that he wasn't being terribly crafty.  Gorillas generally use branches as a part of their daily lives, so if he climbed up the thing to get out that is just a gorilla being a gorilla as far as I am aware.  You don't call me crafty because I use my car to get away from work at the end of the day, do you?  No, unless you have a very low opinion of my general abilities.  Now, if he was using it to pick a lock or something, then that is news.  News worthy of Ron Burgundy and Veronica Corningstone.

Michigan Woman Shoots Self to Get Medical Attention
I would suspect it worked.  I wonder though if she ever thought about just going into the friendly local hospital or urgent care clinic.  They usually provide medical attention.  She also could have called her mother, if available, because that is the very first level of the American medical system.  And it usually works the best.

Cops Bust Woman, 74, for Pouring Mayo in Book Drop
There is that "cops" thing again.  She was 74, maybe she was confused.  I would suspect though that she was pissed off about something and didn't give a shit if she was busted.  Yeah, I would put my money on that one.  My main question here though is this: how long did that mayo have to be sitting out in the sun to be pourable?  I have opened a jar of mayo and held it upside down and nothing has happened.  Only two things in the world can pry mayo from a mason jar: a rubber spatula or a butter knife.  Don't try it with a fork or you will be struck down.

Virginia Officials Find Goat Shoved in Woman's Trunk
Why wouldn't they?  That is a super normal, completely normal thing.  Oh, by the way, I read this particle and this particular goat was bound and panting.  And why wouldn't it be?

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