Thursday, June 10, 2010

Chain Text

     I received a chain letter the other day, sort of.  It wasn't a chain e-mail like days past (the early 2000s) or a snail mail letter like in the days of yore (anything pre-1990) it was what I am afraid probably qualifies for the new method of sending chain letters: it was a chain text.  And this one I knew was going to be a doozy, because it came with a preface warning text.  Here is what it said, the chain text, not the warning one:

     First, I want you to know that you are amazing, and ur[sic] my friend till death.  If I don't get this back,  I understand.  But I have a game for you.  Once you read this letter, you must send it to 15 people that you really care about, including the person that sent it to you.  If you receive at least 6 back, then you are loved.  Nobody knows what they have until they lose it.  You never leave the person who you love for the one you like, because the person you like will leave you for the person who they love. Tonight, right at 12:00 am [editor's note - that would really make it tomorrow morning], your true love is going to realize that they LOVE you!  The something is going to happen to you between 1:00 and 2:00 pm. Tomorrow, be ready for the greatest shock of your life. If you break this chain, you are going to have bad luck in love for the next your of your life.  Send this to 15 people in 15 minutes.

    Now that is a long-ass text, because, I don't know if you know this about me, Company, but I am sort of stuck in the medieval ages of texting, and I am constricted by 160 character texts.  For those of you who are counting, that turned into 6 separate texts, plus the one to warn me it was coming, which came right as I was falling asleep and scared and confused the hell out of me.  But in light of day, when I read what had come in, as you could imagine I immediately had some thoughts.
     First of all, that is long, and at first glance it seems as if it came from e-mail; that perhaps it was once an e-mail chain message and it sort of got subsumed into texts somewhere along the way.  And it sort of makes sense until you put it all together out of text message form like say in a paragraph as part of a blog at Big Dave and Company, and then it sort of changes shape and form like a giant drop of water on the waxed hood of a car that is about to merge onto the freeway.  It sort of starts to meld together as if it were seventeen text messages linked up together but without going through conjunction junction.  So let's break it down into its constituent parts, shall we?
    First, I want you to know that you are amazing, and ur my friend till death.  That's very sweet of you, you are my friend 'till death as well.  And you know what?  You are right, I am amazing.  Off to a good start.
    If I don't get this back, I understand. But I have a game for you.  Wow, this is getting cooler by the minute, because I generally don't prefer to get these chain things, but it is awfully nice of you to understand if I don't send it back, because usually all that I do is forward it to the person that I sent it to so they THINK that I forwarded it on.  See how sneaky I am?  I am not sure, however, about this game thing.  I am already dealing with a stupid chain text, I am not sure I need a game.
     Once you read this letter, you must send it to 15 people that you really care about, including the person that sent it to you.  If you receive at least 6 back, then you are loved. Okay, this doesn't sound like a game, this sounds like a fucking homework assignment.  First of all, I am not sure that I know 15 people who I could send this to that wouldn't kick the shit out of me.  And if the sole measure of whether or not I am loved is if 40% of the people I send chain texts to reply or not with the same chain text, then I am not sure I care to be a part of this society anymore, because that's the most fucking retarded thing that I have ever heard.  Seems to me it should be up the individual to decide if they are loved or not.  But that's just me.
     Nobody knows what they have until they lose it. Okay, okay, I will agree with this one.  Even Carly Simon said it "You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone." Then they pave paradise and put up a parking lot, which is paradise for those people looking for parking I suppose.  This chain text is, however, beginning to sound like someone just raided one of those inspirational thought of the day tear off calendars that some people have on their desks and strung them all together in a order that sort of makes sense but really has nothing to do with one another.
     You never leave the person who you love for the one you like, because the person you like will leave you for the person who they love. Okay now it seems that they have switched to some sort of Confucius calendar instead, because this sounds like something he would say.  I would say that it is true though, and I can prove it, because in middle schools around the nation there are kids asking their friends "Are you in love with him, or are you just in like with him?"
     Tonight, right at 12:00 am, your true love is going to realize that they LOVE you! Then something is going to happen to you between 1:00 and 2:00 pm. Tomorrow, be ready for the greatest shock of your life. What does this have to do with anything?  First of all, if I am just meeting my true love that is going to be hard because I was in bed that night at midnight, so unless my true love was stalking me and looking in my window that means it was someone I have met before.  Now, if it is someone that I have met before, if they hadn't realized by now I am not sure that they are suddenly going to realize at midnight that they are in love with me; besides, that is the time when I traditionally turn into a pumpkin.  Okay, now it is time for a super vague prediction: Something will happen to you tomorrow between 1 and 2 pm.  Well no shit, Sherlock.  Unless I am sleeping or have perished by then, of course something will happen to me.  I will get a phone call.  The police will put a boot on my illegally parked car.  It will rain.  Who knows?  Now if they mean to intone that something would happen to me regarding this supposed love of my life, they should have said that.  Oh wait, it will be the greatest shock of my life.  I guess that I am going to be electrocuted.  Note to self: don't touch anything metal tomorrow afternoon.  And wear rubber soled shoes.
     If you break this chain, you are going to have bad luck in love for the next your of your life. Well, I live in a town with seven eligible bachelorettes, two of whom have all their teeth.  I am pretty sure this chain text is going to have nothing to do with my love life prospects for the remainder of 2010.
     Send this to 15 people in 15 minutes.  Yeah, you've already told me about this 15 people requirement, but now you are putting a time limit on it?  First of all, go fuck yourself.  Second of all, I have to send each of these six text messages fifteen times, and there is no way that is going to happen in fifteen minutes.  Maybe you should have some more realistic expectations, text message retard.
     So there it is, that was a well-meaning but poorly executed chain text I must say.  It sort of didn't belong to any sort of category or form, sort of like the duck-billed platypus.  But I responded to it at least, so that is good.  And I did not meet the requirements, which is probably why nobody fell in love with me at midnight, why nothing out of the ordinary happened to me between 1 and 2 pm yesterday, and why nothing shocking occurred really.  But so be it.  I am pretty sure that I am beyond the power of the chain text.  Right?

1 comment:

BradPerala said...

uh...best line you ever wrote?

And if the sole measure of whether or not I am loved is if 40% of the people I send chain texts to reply or not with the same chain text, then I am not sure I care to be a part of this society anymore, because that's the most fucking retarded thing that I have ever heard."