Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Blood Suckers Indeed

     A long, long time ago, Bram Stroker sat down in a drafty castle somewhere in the mountains of what today is Ireland, and began to write a story about vampires.  You may have heard of it, it was called Dracula.  Back then, in 19th Century England, vampires were believeable.  First of all, science wasn't really advanced to the point that it is today.  There were still a lot of foggy, dark country places where a lot of people hung out where one could very easily imagine someone popping out from behind a hedgerow or from the woods.  Stoker set his novel in the remote mountains of Romania, which was about as exotic as it could be for the common British subject - heck that was Orient Express territory right there.  Plus, there had been myths about vampires for centuries, and science had already discovered bats that fed on blood, so it wasn't a stretch to imagine that they might live in some secluded valled on the edge of the Balkans.
      Fast forward to today, where some Mormon chick in Arizona sat down one day in her house, apartment, place of dwelling, and wrote what are basically teenage love stories about people with exceptionally pointy teeth.  Now I am not denying her creativity, it is and was a great idea and obviously a lot of people liked it because that became the stupid Twilight Saga series and all the vampire themed television shows that have come out of that.
     All of that shit has also become the fucking retarded phenomenon that makes me want to take my life just about every minute that I have to see it on TV.  They are not vampire horror stories, becuase they aren't remotely scary unless you are twelveish.  I don't know what they are but I can tell you I am fucking sick of them.  If I was sitting on a stump in the middle of a field of poppies, and every day there was someone who would come to my stump at around 8 am and proceeded to poke me with a stick until 4 pm every day with only a half hour off for lunch, every day for like three weeks, I wouldn't be as annoyed with that situation as I am with all these stupid fucking vampire bullshit shows.  I want them to go away.
     Part of the problem is that they are super popular right now, so I am naturally against them.  Ask B-Town about that one.  Second of all, they are growing and multiplying and now they are taking up prime time TV on the only channel that I get in my wing of the Worldwide Headquarters.  I guess I could stomach them when they were books and movies that I didn't have to read to see because I was not a screaming teenager or a creepy old man who likes to look at screaming teenagers, but now that they are invading my home I am pissed.  I sit there silently and hope hope hope that the shows and movies all just tank and go away, even though that won't happen at all.
    But what will happen is that, predictably, I will refuse to take part in such shenanegans.  I won't watch the retards at Entertainment Tonight with their plastic faces and plastic smiles and plastic written dialogue talk about how cool vampires are because the masses think they are, and I won't go near the theatre when the movies are letting out, and I definitely won't rent them.  So take that.  All I can do is what I can do right?  I am not afraid of the vampire bullshit, I have science on my side.  I bet all the goth kids are pissed though.

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