Saturday, May 22, 2010

Epic Posting Fail

    I generally like to fancy myself a capable writer.  I am not the best - not even close - but I don't think that I am bad at it.  I am very much somewhere in the middle but I like to think that I can hold my own when it comes to the written word.  Now, don't worry, I am not going to get all pretentious like some writers like to be, talking at depth and in metaphor about the meaning and craft of writing.  No.  I am going to do what I do my best.  I am going to tear to pieces one of the pieces of shit that I laid the other night.
     "The Creepy Creeper in the Dark Sedan" can be seen here, but you know what?  Don't bother.  It is not worth the time, space, or the precious nutrients that your body will use up in an effort to click the mouse, move your eyeballs, and process the information.  What will, however, be healthy for you is the prolonged fit of laughing that you get after you are done wading through that 8,000-strong-herd-of-dairy-cattle-sized pile of crap.  Because, I don't think I am exaggerating, that might be the worst thing that I have ever had the temerity to post on the Internet.
     I had an idea going into that night, as I got ready to put pen to paper, or I suppose you would more properly say fingers to keys.  And it was a good idea.  It was one of those things where I envisioned how good the title would look up there, and there was going to be a strong post to follow it up.  Problem was that once I got to where I was going, and once I got all set up and went to write my awesome story up, it was gone.  Like when you just get that smoking hot girl to agree to leave the bar with you, and she steps out on the sidewalk but then you have to run back in because you forgot your keys, and then she's gone when you get out; picked up by the guy in a button up shirt riding the crotch rocket.  Too bad so sad.  It was gone like that, and I sort of have some hope that it might come back, but days later I have given up the search.  As such, I was left without an idea, and do I attempted to create something on the spot.
     Attempted being the operative word.  What came out was so scatterbrained, so poorly put together, and so grammatically incorrect that it looked like a foreign exchange student had teamed up with a fourth grader to write it.  For fuck's sake, as I hit "publish post" I was actually reaching for it back as if I was going to be able to reach my arm into cyberspace and yank it back to the screen by its past participles, because right at that moment I realized just how truly awful it was.  It was like one of those situations where you say something incredibly stupid and you sort of reach out for it with your mouth once you say it in an effort to swallow it back or something, but you just can't.  It just doesn't work like that.  I skip from thought to thought in a way that only Balki from the island of Mepos could possibly understand.  I would suppose that Cousin Larry Appleton could understand it too but that's only because he spent all that time living with Balki
     Anyway, it's terrible, and I am really quite embarrassed by the whole thing, and I sort of wish that I could make it just go away.  I cannot however, and so it stays there, a memorial to failure and poor planning.  I guess that sometimes you just have to take your lumps, but man was that bad.  I really do apologize.  That's all I can do at this point.

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