Monday, May 03, 2010


Here are some things about which I have been misled on account of mainstream American commercials:

1.) I have stood in front of a lot of unused tunnels in a lot of different places: from major cities to remote mountain valleys and never once has a silver bullet train come by and given me beer on a hot day.  And never has a bunch of hot girls miraculously shown up to help me drink it.

2.)  I am perfectly fine with the number of G's that I have on my cell phone, okay? Having three or four of them isn't going to make my life any better, it is just going to make me have to a.) have my phone plugged in more and b.) give me more things to cause me to get into accidents which will in turn raise my insurance premiums, so thank you very much, but take your G's and stick them up your fucking ass cell phone - sorry, wireless - company.  Nobody knows what a G means anyway, you could come out tomorrow and say you have America's only 16 Q network and people will flock to your store.  Oh, and one more thing, it's not wireless until you can charge my phone through the air as well, so you aren't wireless, now are you?  You are just a cell phone company.

3.) Any company that just has the word "industries" after the name in the title, like for instance Pickford Industries, needs to be watched, because nothing good can be going on there.  If your company isn't willing or able to tell what it is doing as part of its name then there should be a team of feds kicking in the windows and taking a peek around. Chairman Mao Metal Foundry?  That's fine.  We can tell what that's all about.  Kensington Industries?  Probably making toys with little cameras in them that will allow them to sell cigarettes to babies or something.  If you can't tell me what you are up to then I don't want you in my neighborhood.

4.)  You do not just need your iPhone and your passport to travel Europe after college, okay?  You need tons of cash and lots of condoms, because last I checked there probably wasn't an ATM app or an STD protection app for that fucking thing.  Plus, who says your bitch-ass network is going to work over there anyway?  No.  Besides, if you wanted to stay in touch with all those people back in Kansas, and if you wanted to totally know exactly where you were going and what you were doing the whole time you were wandering around, then you would still be back in Kansas.  Half the fun of going to Europe is finding the last available hostel and then not being able to sleep because you are afraid of that German-looking guy in the corner who never takes off his trench coat.

1 comment:

BradPerala said...

Sorry, I'm just catching up on May's posts now...But you should know, I get all of your Podcasts directly onto my iPhone now. No need to download it, transfer them to the ipod or anything crazy like's helping you, and you didn't even know it!