Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Answers to the Problems of Today

     Can't we just go ahead and pump all that Tennessee water down the Mississippi so it pushes that oil slick away from the coast?  That seems like it would help everyone out and be a creative solution to all the shenanegans that are happening around here right now.  I mean, if the folks at the US Army Corps of Engineers cam connect the Great Lakes and Mississippi Basin, and if they can actually divert the Mississippi into another river just because they want to, then one would think that they can get out their Caterpillars and dig some trenches to help us out.
    Environmentalist?  I can dig that, and I respect that maybe you don't want to just do major, invasive public works projects just because the basement of the Grand Ole Opry has a bunch of water in the basement.  But it's okay because I am full of ideas.  Last time I checked there was no shortage of hoses and pumps in this country.  There are about eleventy billion in New Orleans, and they are done using them for the season up in the Dakotas now that the snow melt is over, so I am sure that we can borrow some from them up there.  So let's just borrow all those, hook them up to one another, throw the hose ends into downtown Nashville or the north side of Memphis and we can pump that stuff to somewhere where it is dry, like Nevada or the Plains.  We can use all that oil floating on top of the Gulf to power the pumps.
    I am all full of innovative answers to today's problems.  Want another one - a more modern American, capitalist sort of idea?  How about this.  What we have here are not a couple of major natural disasters in the making, what we have are a couple of product placement opportunities.  First: Brawny.  You are always going on about how much your shit soaks up, why not dump a couple million roles onto Tennessee?  Then send in the camera, the guys with plastic hair in plastic jackets, and turn it into a series of thirty second spots.  Same as in Louisiana.  Tend the Tidy Cat people down there with a big bunch of semis and let them go to town.  Now, I understand that Tidy Cat is cat litter and not an oil absoabtion material, but hey, let's be honest with one another here, Company, everybody knows that when you spill oil in your garage you reach for the kitty litter.  Pretty much whenever you spill whatever.  And there is nothing wrong, with you as a Tidy Cat executive, with promoting the multi-tasking ability of your product.  Dump it on those wetlands, get out the Bobcat and scoop it up, and then dump it into the next sinkhole that develops in Florida.  Problems solved.  Then dump all that Tennessee water on the wetlands to make them wet again.
     Listen, I know we are having fun with it and being a little absurd, but if we can't laugh at the things that are happening around us how will we ever cope?  The flooding victims in the south and the people being effected by the oil spill in the Gulf are in our thoughts here at Big Dave and Company.  Best of luck you all.

No comments: