Thursday, April 29, 2010

X is for Xerox

marks the spot on every pirate map.  But today we are not going to discuss pirates, or even things like the noble gas Xenon or Xenophobia, a trend which is beginning to take precedence in the news as Arizona attempts their own immigration reform.  We are going to talk about a word - a made up word, a common noun, a word that is now legal in Scrabble, and a word that has two X's - Xerox.
     Xerox is one of those brand names that has sort of become synonymous with what they create or represent, even though they long ago branched out into a bunch of other areas.  Kleenex (another X!) is what a lot of people call tissues, regardless of brand.  Same thing with Coke and soda (or pop), or BMX for bikes, or whatever.  And so for Xerox, because a lot of times people use that when they mean to say copy, so that is good if you are them I suppose.
     The reason why X is for Xerox today is because I am wondering, and have been for some time, about people Xeroxing themselves in, how do we say, sensitive areas.  We all know the story: you go to the office Christmas party which is always somewhat lamely held in the office and which somewhat improbably serves alcohol, and you get a little bit lubed up and before you can say "Sexual Harassment Suit" there is photocopy picture of someone's ass, blown up seventeen times and on display for the people who sign your paychecks to see.
     Here is the deal with that story though: it is highly improbable.  And I have never done it, nor have I ever known someone who has done it.  Let me get into why it is improbable, okay?  First of all, I am guessing that most companies don't hold their big parties right in the office, okay?  Like, that's a lot of work and distraction and cleanup and cubicles aren't really conducive to a party atmosphere.  They usually rent out a restaurant dining room or a conference room at a hotel and get that shit catered.  Number two, even if your cheap ass employer decided to have the party right in the office, I would doubt they are going to let people get boozed up, even if it IS after hours.  I would suspect that most corporate campuses have rules regarding the consumption of alcohol on the premesis, which means that someone is going to have to sneak in a flask and spike the punch like you are at a TV show high school dance.  Thirdly, I don't know about your copy machines, Company, but the copy machine at my work requires six advanced degrees and an associates degree in patience to operate correctly.  Most people I know can't even operate it while sober, I don't know how six gin and tonics are going to make them any better at figuring out that they need size A4 paper loaded horizontally to get a truly accurate picture of their ass, let alone being able to blow it up as a mosaic and then tape it together in the right order for everyone to see.
     So I call shenanegans on this whole thing, because I don't think anyone has ever made a Xerox copy of their ass or tittys or schlong in a successful way.  I take that back, I am sure that there a bunch of people who have, but not that many in the grand scheme of things.  So I don't know where this myth came from, or where it started, or who thinks it is going to work like a charm, but I am going to call bullshit.  It doesn't work.  And I wouldn't want to do it anyway.

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