Tuesday, April 13, 2010

M is for Midget

is for midget, except that they are not called midgets anymore, they apparently prefer to be called "little people" which is fine, except that yesterday was "L" and I already used that up, plus I didn't find out about this story until today.  So you will have to settle for midget, I apologize, I don't mean anything mean spirited or derogatory by that term.  M just needs to be for midget today.  It is also for Mormon, which I have never understood because the church is actually the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and they seem to call them selves LDS.  Nowhere in any of those titles is anything even close to Mormon, but that is what they are popularly known as out in the greater world at large.  M is also for Mormon midget, which is an extra point in a game of Scattergories in which one uses a liberal interpretation of the rules.  A Mormon midget is also the main player in today's story.  Let me explain.
     Little Jeffy (also "L" - I totally missed the boat with a lot of "L" words yesterday I guess) told me this story, which was related to him from a third party who was a third party themselves, if that makes sense.  So I guess that means that you are the sixth degree of separation from the people who were originally involved with this story, which makes it a shame that Kevin Bacon isn't in it.  Anyway, the names have been changed to protect, well, just about everyone in it, and the location has been omitted just to be safe.  But here goes:
     There was a young man whom we will call Mr. X who had certain - how do we say - mental deficiencies.  But, he was doing alright because he was living alone in his own place, which is good.  He did, however, have a person who came in to help him out and check on his welfare and whatnot.  Sort of a mix of health worker and social worker and whatnot, and along the same lines as those home health nurses that go out to people's houses on a regular basis to take care of people who can't quite take care of themselves.  We will call her Ms. Y.  Mr. X and Ms. Y.  That sounds like the characters in a badly written school film about chromosomes, not the characters from a poorly written blog post. 
     Anyway, Ms. Y visits Mr. X every Saturday to check in on him and make sure he's doing okay.  But Mr. x is challenged, so when he calls Ms. Y on a Wednesday night and asks her if she wants to see the troll he caught she is not surpised.  She calmly reminds Mr. X that is was Wednesday and that she doesn't come visit until Saturdays.  But Mr. X is excited and he is insistent.  Ms. Y calmly explains that she won't be over until Saturday and that she will be happy to see his troll at that time, figuring that someone brought him a troll doll, or maybe he found on in the front lawn, or maybe that his imagination is just getting the better of him.  Whatever.  I would be willing to bet that sort of thing happens all the time in that industry.  So Ms. Y wins out, and Mr. X finally gives in and they both go about their business.
     As it turns out, Mr. X has some problems with his short term memory, and can't often remember conversations from earlier or whatever.  So when Saturday rolls around and Ms. Y makes her visit, she is fully expecting Mr. X to have forgotten all about the troll that he caught, all by himself.  But wait, not so much.  The first thing out of his mouth when Ms. Y gets there is "Ms. Y, want to see the troll I caught?" Ms. Y is impressed that Mr. X has remembered their phone conversation from the other day, and feels this might be a sign of hope.  A good sign.  Boy would she be surprised.
      Mr. X is once again insistent about Ms. Y seeing his troll, so she comes in and first thing Mr. X leads her over to a closet.  Ms. Y asks why they are at the closet and Mr. X responds that is where he keeps the troll he had captured.  Fair enough.  Even I figured that one out.  Anyway, Ms. Y then asks why there is a chair propped up under the doorknob of the the closet door, keeping it shut, because, you know, there was a chair propped under the doorknob to keep the closet door shut.  Mr. X responds that the chair is how he keeps his troll from running away.  Okay, makes sense.  Then he opens the door to show Ms. Y the troll that he caught.
     There was a midget in the closet.  A real live person living breathing midget. A Mormon midget.  Yes, some of you can see what is going on here.  It all went down like this: Mormon midget is out knocking on doors, as members of the Mormon church do, spreading their word.  He knocks on Mr. X's door.  Mr. X gets excited, because, well, he's mentally challenged.  So he invited the midget inside, under the false pretext of wanting to learn more about Joseph Smith, Birgham Young, and all the other tenets of Mormonism.  It was not to be.  Mr. X lured the midget over near the closet somehow and kicked him in and locked him in with the chair.  He had caught a troll, or at least he thought he had.  The poor man was held captive for at least 3 days before he was freed.  And he never even got the conversion.
     Now, while you try to recover from your laughing hysterically, or sitting there with your mouth agape in disbelief, which is what I did when I first heard this, I have to give some massive amounts of credit to the Mormon midget here.  From what I understand he was very understanding - as understanding as one could be under the circumstances I suppose - and even refused to press charges.  He did, however, have one small request, which I felt was totally appropriate considering what he had been through.  All he sort of hinted at was that maybe Mr. X shouldn't be living alone, to which the authorities responded "Oh no, don't worry, we locked him up real quick!"
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  I understand this is nothing to laugh at, with a man being held captive for a few days by a person who shouldn't have had the ability to do that, but still, at least no one came out that much worse for the wear.  And, if the Mormon midget ever converts, and can start going out to the bar, he's going to have a hell of a story to tell.  And some other people do too.  It just shows you what can happen when you go into a stranger's house, even if the power of belief is with you.

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