Monday, March 15, 2010

Georgia on My Mind

      Georgia, oh Georgia.  Not the state with Atlanta and the big gold tournament, we are talking today, Company, about the former Soviet Repblic that sits on the shores of the Black Sea in the Caucasus Mountains, sort of sandwiched between Turkey and Russia.  Now, in case you didn't know, that is not really a very stable neighborhood these days, and to be honest, Georgia is part of the reason.  Okay, a big part.
     Part of it is that it is parked right between a bunch of bat shit crazy neighbors.  First there is Turkey, who is pretty powerful but gets along with Georgia mostly because it spends all of its time worrying about what is going on across the tracks in Europe, and trying desperately to be included in that club.  Then, there are Armenia and Azerbaijan, who are too busy trying to slit one another's throats to worry about Georgia.  Fine.  But to the north lies Russia, and Russia and Georgia, well, they don't get along very well.  Not very well at all.  In fact they came to blows in 2008 over an area known as South Ossetia, which boggles my mind because that place isn't all that great.
     Well Company, we aren't really going to get into that, but suffice it to say it has made Georgia just a little antsy and a whole lot paranoid, which I can't say I really blame them for.  I mean, what would you do if at any moment you thought your big, strong, next door neighbor might come in and just pound the hell out of you just because your bedroom light was on, right?  But paranoia and fear often cloud judgement, and make people and countries and etities do things that are not rational, not in the best interest and certainly not sane.  Things like broadcasting on state television that Russia had invaded your country and assassinated your President.
     Oh Georgia.  Let me make something very clear to you, something that is painfully obvious to, oh all the other 194 or so other countries on the Planet Earth.  It is perfectly okay to report on the news that your country is being invaded by your mortal enemy who just invaded you a couple of years ago and that your President is dead as long as you are being invaded by your mortal enemy who just invaded you a couple of years go and your President is dead.  IT'S NOT OKAY TO JUST FUCKING MAKE IT UP!  Never.  Never ever ever ever ever ever ever is it okay to just make something like that up and put it on TV.  Do you know what that does?
     Well of course you do.  Because you just did it, and it caused panic in the streets.  People poured into the boulevards and squares around the nation in a tizzy.  Some people even had heart attacks when they heard the news.  HEART ATTACKS!  I am sure it caused a lot of confusion among the people who were in the area that was supposedly being invaded when they looked out their windows and saw a noticable lack of Russian armor in the streets.  It also proably surprised, confused, and whipped the UN people wandering around into a frenzy, because they are supposed to be making sure shit like that isn't going on, and they probably were afraid they had fallen asleep on the job.
     You know what else it does?  It undermines whatever credibility you might have had and it makes you look bat shit crazy, that's what it does.  Especially when your very obviously not dead President comes on the air and defends the crazy stunt.  You are getting dangerously close to ex-girlfriend-trying-to-embarass-new-girlfriend-because-she-can't-take-the-hint-that-it's-over territory.  Yeah, you warranted that many hyphens.  Especially when you claim, right in the middle, that the head of the opposition party is teaming up with the Russian during the attack that isn't really happening.
      Ah ha.  Now it's all becoming clearer.  So let's get this straight, Georgian government.  You created a false attack on your country on a government-friendly television network, caused panic in the streets, and severely damaged whatever credibility you might have gained when you were invaded for little good reason by a world superpower simple in order to discredit a member of an opposition party.  Wow, that's awful.  Truly awful, and so misguided that I can't even being to bring it to words.
     So here is the deal, Georgia, this was wrong.  I don't care if you ran a very brief and extremely missable notice beforehand saying that what people were about to see was a "simulation."  Unless you said it every five minutes during the broadcast it wasn't enough, okay?  Nobody pays attention to an anchor saying "What you are about to see is a simulation of what might happen if Russia invades the country." Nobody.  But when someone sees a picture of a mortar blowing up their children's school, that might make them sit down and pay attention to what the TV is saying.  That's why you needed the every gfive minute thing.
     You know what else, Georgia, I can't fathom why you even needed a simulation of what might happen if Russia invaded your country, because that just happened.  THAT JUST HAPPENED!  Like a year and a half ago.  So unless you are shooting for the 0-2 year old demographic - one not generally regarded highly by advertising types - there really was no sense in it.  Because everyone remembers what happened last time.  In fact, that was where you got all the images of Russia invading your territory, from TWO YEARS AGO WHEN IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.  I really sincerely hope that it was a bright, sunny day on the day the invasion happened, when the video was taken, and that it was rainy and gray the day you aired this horseshit so you look even more whacked out. 
     Georgia, the next words out of your mouth should be an apology, to two groups.  First, Russia, because even though you don't like them it's not okay to just slander them.  They should take you to World Court small claims division in The Hague, or maybe they should get Judge Whapner off Animal Planet to preisde over this very special edition of The People's Court, because that's wrong, and they shouldn't have to stand for that.  In fact, I wouldn't blame them if they did invade you now just for being a dickhead government.  Second, you need to apologize to, oh, everyone in your country because you scared the shit out of them for no reason.  That's the only words that should come out of your mouth now, Georgia, is "I'm sorry to Russia, and I am sorry to the Georgian people."  Feel free to say it in Georgian if you so desire.
     And don't do it again.  That's the second part.  Just sort of lie low and keep to yourself for a while, let the heat die down, before you do something again.  Otherwise you are going to get a bad rep, and Armenia and Azerbaijan are going to be looking like the sane ones in the neighborhood.

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