"It sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays." That's the line that tormented Peter in the movie Office Space. Uttered by the annoying but well meaning Nina in Accounts Reveivable whenever Peter was grumpy on a Monday, it drove him nuts because he simply didn't like his job. Now, I am not at that point, but I am certainly having a bad case of what Nina would call "The Mondays"
And I am all pissed off about it. Not so much that it is Monday because this is a short week for me. And I generally don't mind Mondays. It's even supposed to be pretty nice weather wise around here too. But it is Monday today and all of the fucking retarded retards are coming out of the woodwork, and apparently there is some sort of community group that is charged with teaching them life skills like using the telephone, because they are all calling my office today and I sort of just want to get a whistle and blow it into the phone whenever it rings.
Maybe it's because I didn't have and coffee this morning. I mean, this is not that complicated. I understand that it might seem a little easy for me, because I deal with our shit every day, I understand what needs to be done and when and that maybe for a member of the general public walking in for the first time it is a little harder. I try to keep that in mind, I really do. But today, not so much. This is so much beyond that. It's like everyone wants something stupid and doesn't know how to go about it and wants it RIGHT NOW or maybe they wanted it like ten minutes ago instead.
Here's the deal, asshole. It's not my fault if you didn't do your homework prior to doing whatever you wanted to do. And as such, I do not feel obligated to grab you by the hand and lead you through the process, okay? Especially if you should know what you are talking about. What I would like to do is reach through the phone and strangle the last breath out of you, because you are an idiot and that oxygen you are using up could probably be put to better use.
Seriously, I feel like every time I answer the phone I should put on a helmet with a sicker of a duckie plastered on the side, some water wings, and velcro shoes so that I can understand what these people are talking about. Here's the deal, either take some time to do your homework before you start asking questions, or say "Hey, you will have to bear with me, I've never done this before." Because if you say that, I will above, beyond, and to the max to help you along. You are never going to learn if someone teaches you, and if you tell me you are new at this I will know what to expect and we will get you taken care of.
Oh, and when I say "do your homework" I mean do your God-damn homework. Calling up and spitting out things that you heard through the grapevine or that Jerry Garcia may have told you once in a dream, or wildly making things up that you assume might be true is not doing your homework. You'd be better off telling me you didn't know anything at all. See above. But when you start spitting out nonsense through the receiver and I have to spend a half hour correcting your incorrect assumptions before we get down to business, that is going to make me upset. That is going to have to make me come to your house and backhand you in front of your wife and children. And nobody wants that.
The last thing, the VERY LAST thing that you should do is assume that you know more about my business than I do. The last. If I don't know, I understand that I don't know and I will hook you up with the people who do. If you are asking me questions about something in attempt to better understand it, that's fine, but don't give me shit and think that you are right. That doesn't fly. Do I sit in the cockpit of the A340 and tell the pilots that I think they need more aileron during landing? No. They are the ones who know how to file the plane? Do I call up the IRS and tell them that they are full of shit and of course I can take that deduction, my barber said I could. No, I'd be in jail right now for tax fraud or evasion or for just generally pissing off the IRS.
One last questions for you, dipshits out there in phone land. Do you call your accountant and ask them how to change a light switch? No, I bet not, even if you saw them on Ask This Old House. No, you'd call your electrician. So why do you call me asking about shit that I don't have anything to do with? That doesn't make sense. If I deal in apples, don't call me and ask about an orange. That is a lot funnier if you scream it in Lewis Black's voice. That was how it was coming out when I typed it.
Anyway, that's the kind of Monday I am having, which is not good, because it can cast a pall over what is shaping up to be an otherwise pretty great week. I have definitely got a case of the Mondays, as Nina would say. But no time to worry about it now, the phone is ringing. Pray for me.