Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Groundhog Day

So, it's Groundhog Day kids, and quite frankly I couldn't be more pissed off at Punxsutawney Phil, not because of his prediction so much but because he needs to get a name that is easier to spell and pronounce. I mean, you think that after 124 or however many years, and all the imitators and competitors who have cropped up recently, his brand managers and advertising types would have recommended his moving from Gobbler's Knob (obscene!) to a place with a bit more manageable of a name - like Nearby Clarion or Patton. Now those are towns that everyone can say, and that I don't have to look up every time I have to spell it.
For those of you who are interested, Phil saw his shadow this morning at sunrise, which means that there are six more weeks of winter, which I of course already knew because I own a calendar and a map. These two ancient tools when used in consort tell me that it is only the beginning of February and that I live in the far north. Plus, one of the friendly local businesses around here has a countdown to spring on their sign out front, and last week it said that there was 15 weeks left. So that is a local forecaster who is now in direct opposition to Phil, who lives many hundreds of miles away. So whatever he is buying I am certainly not selling.
Plus, I am a little skeptical about the whole charade anyway, because what my eyes and ears were telling me when I was watching a news report about Phil this morning didn't jive with the prediction he made - mainly in that it was cloudy in Punxatawney, Punksawtawnee - Central Pennsylvania - this morning. And it was not like it was slightly cloudy, because I know that one can still see one's shadow through the clouds sometimes, but this was a thick, gray layer of depressing clouds similar to the ones that are dropping snow on the Worldwide Headquarters. Similar to the clouds that seem to persist for the bulk of February every year. I saw them on the TV, there wasn't a shadow to be seen on Gobbler's Knob. If you asked any of the people in Phil's "Inner Circle," whomever they are, if they had seen the shadows of their gigantic top hats and they would say no, but they would say Phil saw his, which is strange. I didn't see any beam of heavenly light shining down on the drowsy rodent when they forcibly yanked him from his den.
The President of this "Inner Circle" declared that Phil saw his shadow because, well, that's what Phil told him. Son of a bitch, that was simple. Why didn't I think of that. Apparently only the President of the "Inner Circle" can speak with and understand Phil, and even then only when he is holding the special cane that allows him to speak groundhogese, which even then is sort of cryptic, like everyone is living in the movie National Treasure or something. Apparently, according to the President of the "Inner Circle," Phil said something that rhymed with another phrase that vaguely alluded to shadows or something. I am not making this up, Company, I don't have the time or patience for that anymore. And I don't have the money to buy the pot. So now, because some guy in a top hat and tails likes to make rhyming phrases we have to have six more weeks of winter. I just don't understand.
So all that happened this morning before I went to work, and it included a video clip of Bill Murray from the movie Groundhog Day, which is popular once a year on this date much like It's a Wonderful Life is popular once a year in December. Nobody watches that shit in June just like nobody watches Groundhog Day in November. I mean, there is football on why would you waste your time on a movie from 1990-whatever? Anyway, on this the most special of days that is sandwiched right in the middle of my murderers row of birthdays, all video rental outlets should be giving discounts to people who want to rent Groundhog Day or like a nature documentary about groundhogs. Like, give it to them for a week for a buck or something, nobody is going to be looking for those videos tomorrow anyhow. So step to it: this means you Sally Brown. That being said, I hope that everyone enjoys their extended winter. The six more weeks of shoveling will be good for you. And, as BankingPlanes always says, may this be the best Groundhog Day of your lives.

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