Our apologies to you Company, but as the dreaded Swine Flu continues to ravage the entire staff here at Big Dave and Company we are going to go ahead and post for you the posts from the winning week in our "Best Week Ever" poll, March 30 - April 6, 2008. We begin with "Stupid People", which originally posted on April 2, 2008. This has gone on to be a topic almost one hundred times, surprise, surprise.
The British almost got it right. All those years ago, when they were at the height of their empire, they did so many things benevolently and correctly. But sometimes they didn't quite hit the mark. And Australia is a prime example of that. Because when they set that first ship out of Southampton or wherever filled with convicts headed for Sydney Harbor they should have filled it with stupid people instead. Because let's be honest, often convicts are some of the most brilliant and creative and literate members of our society. But stupid people really shouldn't be allowed to walk around. If the British had just had the foresight to fill that ship with stupid people, or maybe called it back before it got too far and traded all the convicts on it for stupid people, everyone would be much happier. Because then we could have been sending stupid people to isolated islands every since then, and everyone would be much happier.
Now, I know what you are saying. That is excessively harsh and totally inappropriate. And I suppose you have a point. But I am not talking about people who do or say stupid things every once in a while, or people who sort of struggle at times, because then everyone would have been shipped by the Raj to somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere. I'd probably have my own island somewhere in the middle of the South Atlantic by now (actually, I would love to visit or live on St. Helena or Tristan de Cunhia for a little while, but that's for another time and place). I am talking about the people who are chronically stupid. I am talking about the people who should have to go through a 12 step stupid program. I am talking about the people who should be calling the 1-800 stupid hotline. I am talking about the people who should be forced to buy a stupid patch at the drugstore for whenever they have a craving. That's who I am talking about. Let's pack them all up and send them to an island to live together, and then let's cut the electricity and surround it with Navy destroyers and aircraft carriers and perhaps a submarine or two. And lots of buoys. I don't know why, but I think a vast and seemingly useless network of navigational and weather buoys would be appropriate.
But seriously, let's give them an island like Greenland or Madagascar or even Hispaniola. I think that deforested Hispaniola or sweltering Madagascar would be perfect for them. Because then they wouldn't be driving around at 12 miles per hour and creating safety issues for the rest of us; they would not be buying clothes and accessories for 300 times the price they should be; they wouldn't be carrying little dogs in their purses; they wouldn't be gambling away their unemployment checks; they wouldn't be having disabled parking passes when they are walking and moving just like the rest of us; they wouldn't be purchasing 14 subs at Subway during the lunch rush without calling in their order first; they wouldn't be walking around town with a cut on their hand bleeding on everything in the public domain; they wouldn't be going on spring break, taking their shirts off, and screaming "Whooooo, party!" for no reason whatsoever; they wouldn't be driving 67 miles per hour in a blizzard on the freeway because they have four wheel drive; they wouldn't be flying kites near power lines; they wouldn't be expounding their opinions things they don't know anything about; and they wouldn't be hats for sports teams that don't actually have any of the teams colors on them. Well, they would still be doing those things I am sure, but they'd be doing them together in Greenland or Sakhalin and that would be fine with me.
So anyway, I just want the stupid people to go away, because I don't have the patience to deal with them lately. I don't ask a lot. Just be responsible. Be thoughtful. Understand that you are just a small cog in the large machine that is society. Be aware that your actions and decisions affect more than just yourself. Then you won't have to be shipped off to some remote island to swelter or freeze and be too stupid to do anything about it.
And you know, maybe the British did get things right. Because Australia turned out to be a pretty neat place. And thinking of all those stupid people carving their names into Ayers Rock, breaking off pieces of the Great Barrier Reef to use as pumice stones, and filling the awesome beaches yelling "Whoooooo, party!" while shirtless makes me a little sad but mostly queasy. So I think it's good that the British sent convicts instead. And it's probably good that they didn't fill New Zealand with stupid people either, because then all those sheep would have been in trouble. But they still could have sent them to the Falklands, or New Guinea, or Anguilla, or South Georgia, or the Turks and Caicos...