Tuesday, January 05, 2010

An Open Letter to Bono

Dear Bono,
Unfortunately, there is not a word in the English language to explain how I feel about you. I don't want you to die so much, I don't really wish that on anyone, but I just want you to go away forever and never come back. Oh, and I want you to stop talking while you are away. Because every time you open your mouth you say something more stupid and disjointed from what the actual reality of reality is. So please, stop talking and go away forever, okay?
The other day I read that you came out of wherever you were, found an unguarded pencil and some cocktail napkins and wrote an opinion piece and sent it in to the New York Times, which inexplicably chose to publish it. Don't worry about them though, I will deal with them later.
First of all, what's this "we" bullshit," huh? You are not part of me, or part of really any group as I am other than humans, males, maybe a blood type or two. Possibly a religion. But you are certainly not American, so why you are counting yourself as part of the "we" of Americans and their cars, I am not sure. Just because you wear a cowboy hat and massively overpriced cowboy boots as you strut around some impoverished African village while your body guards keep the masses away and your nasty cologne lures the insects in does not mean that you are an American, okay? Plus, you actually give stuff to help those people, as opposed to just using the photo op so that's good I suppose. Even though that is the kind of thing that we would do you know, just about every day and with eleventy billion cameras if we had the chance, which is kind of your style so maybe you are an American. But I am pretty sure that there are no cowboy hats in Ireland though. So fucking knock it off.
Okay, I am not totally against the first part of your little ridiculous file sharing argument, you are right, the laws of bandwidth will make it so that the larger files are more easily accessible by the pepperoni-nosed teenager in their parents' basement who hasn't seen the light of day in three weeks but who thinks they desperately need Madagascar 2 on their computer. Okay, but your assertion that it is reverse Robin Hooding to me just says that you have no idea what Robin Hood really does. First of all, sure, there are some young struggling musicians out there but if you can remember back to the time then you and the Edge had nothing but rocks to bang together to make music, you would remember that the record company was taking way more of your profits than they were giving you, and if you have your accountant sit down with your over some Irish breakfast you will see that really the people who are getting hurt the most but probably the least are people like yourself, who already has a buttload of money to spend. And where you have decided that the "service providers" are getting rich I am not sure. That is a pretty ambiguous term there, dipshit, and I would appreciate some clarity? I don't think my two-bit backwoods ISP is getting rich from me downloading an entire Carolina Liar album, are they?
Bono, you are a humanitarian. I would not take exception to anyone who said that. And every once in a while you seem to say something that makes sense, maybe even has some insight, but mostly it is one more ludicrous than the last. So please, take your money, take your causes, take your cowboy hat and leave the party. Let the rest of us operate in reality, you can go somewhere like Bhutan where the many mountains and valleys make television and radio reception impossible and live there with your hair gel and stupid glasses, okay? Then you can spit out your bullshit to the locals who won't understand a word of it and eventually will feel you to a goat, and we can go on with our lives. That would make me happy.
Well, best wishes to you Bono, but I must go now. I have a list of about sixteen movies, and their soundtracks, that I need to illegally download so that I can be super cool. And because I don't want all those guitar-toting super emotional sweater-wearing young creator who will turn into the next John Mayer to succeed, they are going to be all indie soundtracks.

Yours,
- Big Dave

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