Monday, January 04, 2010

Maybe I Will Send My Avatar

So anyway, Company, in case you haven't noticed or figured this out yet, I am kind of a dillhole, okay? I have a nasty tendency to open my mouth when I probably shouldn't, I have a somewhat narrow focus of interests, etc, etc. Well, one of the most notable and stupid manifestations of this dillhole-ish-ness is that if there is something that everybody says is so great I want no part of it. Like Facebook or mySpace back when that was cool. Also, I am not going to mention any names but everyone I know from high school went to the same college and they all thought it was great (it's pretty cool though, I do have to admit) so I didn't even apply. How do you feel about that? That is why I never have and probably never will see Titanic. And that is why I am not going to see Avatar.
I mean, first of all I am not a big movie watching sort of person. I have the attention span of a sand gnat with A.D.D. so as you can imagine I have a tendency to watch TV shows instead of movies. And Avatar is a movie, so I am naturally inclined to not see it. However, I am not adverse to watching a movie (or a "show" if you are in certain parts of the world) if it is on TV or maybe if someone rents it and plays it in my home, or in a home in which I am staying. Avatar, not so much.
That's right, Company, I am putting my Titanic rule into effect for Avatar: I will only watch it if a girl who has boobs that I might get to see someday makes me see it. There you go. That's the rule. Sorry Avatar, but that's just how it has to be.
There are a myriad of reasons why I am not going to be watching this movie without the proper motivation, foremost of which is because I simply don't want to, okay? First of all, everybody thinks it is the best thing in the history of the world. Let's take a look at some of the reviews, okay? The Hollywood Reporter said "A dozen years later, James Cameron has proven his point: He is king of the world." Gag me with a freaking spoon. WJRT-TV decided that "visually, [it] is magnificent." What about the Los Angeles Times? What do they have to say? "You've never experienced anything like it, and neither has anyone else." Apparently this movie is so good that it has allowed Kenneth Turan to relive every experience that each of us has ever had since he knows that I have never seen anything like this before. How about one more? Time Magazine, a publication on which I was once on the cover, had this to say: "Embrace the movie -- surely the most vivid and persuasive creation of a fantasy world ever seen in the history of moving pictures -- as a total sensory, sensuous, sensual experience." Hey, way to be so in romantic love with this movie that you used three words with the same root word to describe it.
You want to know the other reason why I am not going to plunk down a bunch of dollars and whatever cents to see this movie? Because I am already sick of it. See, this movie cost roughly the GDP of Tonga, it had to make a shit-ton of money at the box office, so they sunk more money than I could ever conceivably spend in my lifetime into advertising it, which probably brought the cost of the thing into the GDP of Caribbean powerhouse Dominica territory. It has sponsored just about everything available, from football to children's toys to Christmas parades (I would guess, I didn't actually bother to look because I was afraid that the immense list of links would crash my Internet browser) and I honestly just sort of want it to go away. Like, forever. I am seriously at the point where I am just going to watch PBS and listen to NPR and be done with it.
So there you go, I am already on Avatar overload and it just came out. I just want absolutely nothing to do with it no matter how good it is. Every one of those reviews could be absolutely nail on the head, and I could walk out of the movie theater vowing to never see another film in my life because it could never compare, but I am just not willing to take that chance. Sorry Avatar, you just aren't for me.


KingBobb said...

You were on the cover of Tyme magazine. Which hardly counts as the only people who read it also spell Old with an "E".

BradPerala said...

you took the words...all of them...directly out of my mouth.