Sunday, December 06, 2009

Weekend Observations

I couldn't find anything to write to you kids about today, probably because I didn't try all that hard. That being said, how about some random thoughts and observations that I have from the weekend?

Fox and NBC didn't invent slow motion replay, yet the both act like they did. Slow motion replay and close ups have been used for football games as long as I have been alive, and that means they go back before Fox was even a network. So why they seem to have to brand them as Fox X Mo and NBCee It, which by the way is the stupidest name in the history of the known world and one more piece of evidence why NBC has the worst NFL presentation) is beyond me. Oh, and Fox, get rid of that dancing robot, okay? He makes me want to shoot people with blow darts or something.

The people behind the iPhone and OnStar seem to think that we can't live without them. Well, I have some news. We can, and we have very successfully for a long, long time. iPhone, whatever app you have for that I don't need because I have been surviving just fine without it. My phone has an application that allows me to change restraunt reservations just fine, it's called MAKING A FUCKING PHONE CALL! Oh, and OnStar, people have been getting in accidents since the car was invented, and we have done just fine without OnStar all that time. I am sorry, but I am willing to have to wait a few extra minutes for a passerby to call for help if it means you can't have a satellite keeping tabs on where I am and what I am doing 24/7/365.

The time to find out that my car is not good in the winter is not when a nice buck runs out from the woods to say hello. First of all, the deer, who is a dick, wasn't even like out along the road where I could see him coming, no, it's like he heard my car and came running out as if he were the family dog on the farm or something. That is a scary situation in which to learn that your car is the vehicular equivalent of the guy who is trying to walk out onto the hockey ice in loafers to give an awards presentation and is always just on the brink of falling hilariously on his ass.

Do bags fly free on Southwest Airlines? Son of a bitch, I hadn't heard. I wish they would make some commercials to that effect.

If you are playing bachelor kitchen like I always do, and you are going to make a pasta bake but substitute potatoes for noodles, make sure you either cook the potatoes first or make them very, very small or it will take like 6.5 years to cook them adequately. That's a tip. And by then your sauce will be just burnt around the edges of the casserole dish. Cook the onions too because they take forever as well. Maybe broil them or roast them or at least nuke the hell out of them because that ill make it infinitely better. Oh, and have some mozzarella around too, because it's just not the same without that.

I have never found beer to be refreshing. Not even Coors Light, the world's most refreshing beer. At least as they claim to be. I have never been like "Man, I am hot and sweaty and I really just want an ice old Coors Light, that will really make me perk back up." Nope, I just checked again and I have never felt that way before. Sorry every beer maker. There are a lot of things that I sort of expect out of my beer and refreshment is not on that list.

Speaking of Coors, if bringing Coors east of the Mississippi is bootlegging, then why did everyone in Atlanta know about it in Smoky and the Bandit? First of all, I can't imagine that the Federal government would allow any sort of law like that to exist. I mean, at very least Coors would have had that in court like six minutes after it was enacted, right? Was there a corresponding law that like Miller couldn't go west of the Mississippi? I am just full of questions about this. But my main one I guess is how did everyone know about Coors if it was bootlegging? I can't imagine that there was that active of a bootleg trade because Coors isn't really that special. And the police made it very clear in that movie that they would go to any length to stop that bootlegging. So I guess that I am very confused about the whole thing.

I am so sick of NFL players celebrating doing the things they should that I can't even begin to describe it. You are paid to make tackles. You are paid to make first downs. You are paid to score touchdowns. Only celebrate if it's like the game winning touchdown with .6 seconds left, or if you sack the quarterback on a big third down maybe. But making a tackle after a four-yard gain on first and ten from the 42? Not necessary. Let's use our heads because we are cheapening the whole celebration and excitement thing.

People don't seem to wear blazers anymore, and you know? I'm okay with that.

Snow is always sort of pretty when it is falling, but it is rarely pretty when it's melting off. Even a raging blizzard out your window where the snow is blowing sideways is still sort of neat, but when the big fluffy flakes are falling silently through the streetlights and covering everything with a blanket of the purest white it can be downright amazing. And when the sun comes out super bright and the snow is on the ground it's super cool too. When that snow starts to melt though, it's not so nice. I mean, you might be anti-winter and super psyched that the snow is melting, but it always melts in a sort awkward and dirty uneven sort of way that just shows the brown and nasty underneath. Sorry. I will take the aesthetically falling snow before the ugly melting crap any day. That's just how it has to be.

There are a lot of football teams wearing throwback uniforms this season and I don't know why. I mean, there are some that I understand, like the old AFL teams are wearing their old AFL uniforms when they play one another to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the founding of the AFL. That makes sense to me. But other teams seem to be doing it for some unknown reason. For instance, I don't know why the Florida Gators trotted out the circa-1982 helmets and pants for the SEC title game but it didn't work. Maybe they were trying to celebrate the 1981 team that went 7-5 and lost to West Virginia in the Peach Bowl, I don't know. If that is the history they were trying to conjure up it worked, because they got plastered. It seems strange though, especially since they only used the old style helmets and pants, but not jerseys. I don't get it, I just don't know. Oh well.

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