Monday, December 28, 2009

Santa's Summer Job

Well Company, with Christmas behind us (unless of course we are Orthodox Christians, in which case it is still right around the corner) I am sure that your thought, as mine, are turning to Santa Claus. After his night yeoman's work, bringing toys and holiday cheer to children all around the world armed with nothing but a sleigh, reindeer, and neatly ordered time zones you can imagine that he would need a break from all the action, especially when you consider that reindeer don't really fly. So I would expect him to take some time off until at least the New Year. But what about after that? I don't think that Santa makes any of his toys anymore, they are all stuff you can find on the shelves at any big box retailer. The elves aren't in the workshop making rocking horses out of wood like they used to, no no. I would imagine that the elves are more like warehouse workers and purchasing agents, striking deals in big board room with the folks at Tonka for a new truck for little Jimmy Smalls of Staten Island, NY.
So what does Santa Claus do all summer long? I mean, other than signing off on purchase orders and making out the list I can't imagine he has much to do. And he certainly doesn't get an unemployment check. But he has to do something, I mean, Mrs. Claus has a level of existence to which she has become accustomed, you know what I mean? Well, I have figured it out, and I am going to tell you. And, because it's the holidays and I am a super nice guy, after I tell you the answer I am going to tell you why. How do you feel about that?
* * *

In the summer, Santa is the Green Giant.

* * *
Yeah. Yeah. You see it now, don't you? It's just perfect. For those of you who don't see it let me go through a partial list of similarities that allowed me to make this historic connection.

1.) Speech. How is Tiger Woods different from Santa Claus? Santa stops after three "ho's." HAHAHA! Well, one could apply that same tasteless but HILARIOUS joke to the Green Giant. Or, to be more precise, one could replace Santa Claus with The Green Giant and it would still work. Haven't you ever seen it? The Green Giant standing proudly over a farmer's field saying "Ho ho ho, Green Giant." He slips his name in there at the end just to confuse you and throw you off his Santa tracks, but I am not buying it.

2.) Kids. Santa loves kids, but you and I both know, Company, that kids can be a little much sometimes. So after being bombarded with the little bastards from like August until the end of December, he's just about had it, so he moonlights as a purveyor of delicious vegetables because, well, let's be honest the bulk of kids don't like vegetables. Like spinach and asparagus and carrots and whatnot. So he gets a break from the little brats for the summer. Plus, he gets to be out in the fields in the nice weather and work on his sweet tan. One can't get a tan at the North Pole. Plus, because Santa still loves the kids even though he just needs a break from them, he makes sure they get their vegetables so they are still strong and healthy. Now that's a caring guy if I've ever seen one. Also, as a last bit of proof on the kids front, what is always one of the hallmarks of children being good for Santa? Eating their vegetables. He's a business mastermind as well.

3.) Magic. Oh yeah, magic. Let's be honest, we already covered that whole reindeer can't fly thing, so how are they getting across the oceans and how is NORAD tracking them in our airspace. Magic. Santa Magic. How do you think he delivers to like eleventy billion kids in the space of one night. Santa Magic. How do you suppose that he gets all those name-brand toys for all those kids without spending a freaking dime? Santa Magic. Or extortion. Whichever. How do you think that the Green Giant gets all those delicious vegetables canned so soon after being picked? Santa Magic. How does that little Green Giant outfit manage to cover his dong and how is it that everyone looking up from under doesn't see anything nasty? Santa Magic.

4.) Appearance. Now, I know what you are going to say, Company. Santa Claus and The Green Giant don't look anything like one another. Fair enough, I will give you that one. But that is why I think they are one in the same. Think about it like this: you have to lug a big heavy coat with complicated boots and an itchy beard around ALL WINTER LONG. Yeah, I think that would get real old real quick as well. So when I wasn't doing that, i.e. summertime, I would definitely be wearing as little as possible. Hence the leafy toga thing. And you would be amazed at how much cooler one feels when clean shaven as opposed to being bearded. Think about it man. Classic overreaction syndrome. I understand the The Green Giant is a little thinner than Santa Claus but let's be honest, who doesn't put on a little weight during the holiday season? Am I right?

So there it is: four slam dunk reasons why Santa works as the Green Giant during the summertime. Or why the Green Giant works as Santa during the winter, whichever way you want to look at it. Just a little food for thought, but I am behind it. I mean, he can't just sit on the beach sipping margaritas all day long, now can he?

2 comments:

Geof said...

So if Santa is the Green Giant, what is Sprout? Is he like Santa's little twink or something? All signs point to yes, no? ;)

Big Dave said...

Terrible. I mean, true. But still terrible. HAHAHAHA!