Thursday, December 31, 2009

Prediction Results for 2009

Let's take a look at how our predictions for 2009 turned out now that the year is coming to a close...

- Someone with a Mickey Mouse T-shirt, with a denim shirt over it, will be seen standing in front of a Midwestern mobile home describing what it was like to live through an EF-4 tornado and how her brother-in-law almost died because he was too busy filming to take cover. I am pretty sure that I saw this one come true when that tornado went through the Iowa City area in the fall of 2009. In the immortal words of Bucko, prove it didn't happen.

- Billy Mays will pitch something totally unrelated to all of the other things he has pitched before. Well, this one took a hit because of Billy's untimely death, yet he was still on my DVR pitching something called the Jupiter Jack that you can use to talk on your cell phone through your car stereo. Count it!

- A young woman will wear gigantic plastic sunglasses that make her look like an insect despite the fact that it is not sunny outside. Go on YouTube and search the word "coastie." There you go.

- The History Channel will go one week without mentioning the name "Hitler." I think this might have actually happened, although they have a tendency to show their Hitler footage in the early morning hours while I am passed out from drinking too much, so I can't confirm it. However, the History Channel people have been trending towards more stuff about the future so it's a distinct possibility. We will have to research it more.

- Betty White will do a commercial about pet medicine and a pre-teen watching it will wonder who the hell Betty White is. Switch your TV from the Disney Channel to whatever channel the commercial is showing on and see what your 12-year-old daughter has to say about it. Do that before the end of the day or else this one might not come true.

- The guy running the Tilt-a-Whirl won't notice that your nephew is puking his guts out on the ride. Yeah, that happened didn't it, and it ruined your nice cardigan too. This probably only came true at some very cheap carnival in some very small town. Or maybe at like your family reunion if you have a strange family.

- Al Gore will say something. Nobody will listen. Check.

- Something zany will happen at a zoo somewhere. I am pretty sure that several animals escaped from zoos and went roaming around neighborhoods. Click here to see just one example of this crazy ridiculousness.

- A certified building demolition company is going to blow up a building on purpose, but it won't be as cool as the guy who totally does it by accident. This is true, because those certified companies always make you stay away and wear hard hats and junk. The guy who does it by mistake is usually drunk and starts the proceedings with "Hey, watch this." I know this incident isn't really that funny because two people died but you know what, I still think it counts.

- At a holiday office party, you will Xerox a part of your anatomy that you don't want anyone to see. Sorry, you have a Sharp copier at your office, don't you. I failed on that one.

- Two Words: Rectal Trauma. How's your bum feeling?

- Someone will discover a whole new, fantastic sensation when they get laid on an air hockey table. I've been working on this one for some time, but those people who work at the friendly local Chuck E. Cheese are such prudes. And so are the local police force. If Butt Hansen responds though I think I might have a chance to make this happen.

- The championship game of your fantasy's eight-week long air hockey tournament will be ended prematurely by your drunken frat brother Zach and his exhibitionist girlfriend Cassandra. Yeah, and that sucks because you were the number six seed and you made it all the way to the finals and you had your fraternity President Barf Bag on the ropes, and then Zach and Cassie rolled in but it wasn't all bad. The sixteen seconds of sex and the forty-five minutes of crying served as a refreshing intermission and Zach got a new fraternity nickname: Two-Pump. Classic.

- It will be on. It will be on 'till the break of dawn. Oh, it's on. It's on like Donkey Kong. Until the break of dawn.

So there you go. I thought we did pretty well as our predictions went. Thank you to all of you, Company, for reading as we made it through our first full calendar year. Pretty exciting stuff, isn't it? From all of us here at Big Dave and Company we wish you a Happy New Year and hope that you have a safe and enjoyable New Year's Eve. We will see you on the flip side in 2010.

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