Wednesday, December 16, 2009

A Guaranteed White Christmas

I was pacing the floor of my bedroom at the Worldwide Headquarters this morning, Company, which is odd because, quite frankly, I usually don't have time. But this morning I was because I was so very angry. I was angry at The Weather Channel because this morning they released the winner of their "Guaranteed White Christmas" promotion. I fucking knew how it was going to go down, and I called it, but when they released the results I was still made even though I made the exact right call.
Here is the deal about the "Guaranteed White Christmas" promotion: you send in a video to The Weather Channel about why you should have a guaranteed white Christmas, like why you need and deserve snow in order to celebrate the birth of Jesus and properly receive presents. Then, the poor meteorologist who has to do this promotion on Christmas morning will roll up to your house with a snowmaking truck and blanket your yard. Which means that you will then have to shovel on Christmas morning. HAHAHAHAHA! Suckers.
The reason that I am so pissed off about this whole thing is that, just like I and probably everyone else predicted, they gave it to a family that lives in a place where they don't usually get snow. Yep, of course. We all knew that it was going to go to someone in California or South Texas or Hawai'i or the Florida keys, where the winning Livingston family lives.
Okay, fuck that. The Livingston family has a cute kid, six and a half years old, and all that jazz. But they live in a home whose backyard is taken up by a swimming pool that is surrounded by palm trees and is like 37 feet from the ocean. THE OCEAN! Now I am not saying that the Livingstons aren't nice, hardworking, salt of the Earth kind of people, because I don't know them. But I am going to say that they don't deserve to have a guaranteed white Christmas, and that is because of where they live.
See, there is a give and take regarding where each of lives in terms of the weather and climate and location and culture, okay? So for everyone there is something that we have to endure in order to sort of get the perk of living where we live. There is also something that we have to give up. That is just how it works. I guess that is the triumvirate of reality I guess you would say. For example where I live: we give up things like warmth and endure things like cold AND blizzards AND tornadoes in order to get things like the leaves changing colors and white Christmases, okay? If you live up in the mountains you give up distance and endure huge amounts of snow in order to get the amazing views and pure air. In New York City you give up privacy and grass in order to get culture and public transportation. And you endure, well, The Pharaoh I suppose. Well, let me lay out for you the three things for the Florida keys. You get tropical fantasticness just about year round and an ocean right outside your pool. You endure things like sharks and hurricanes and sweltering humidity. BUT YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP SNOW! YOU FORFEIT THE ABILITY TO HAVE A WHITE CHRISTMAS BECAUSE YOU GET TROPICAL GREATNESS FROM JANUARY TO DECEMBER! God, doesn't anybody understand this? I feel like I am taking crazy pills here, people. If you got to have tropical greatness all year long AND white Christmas on whatever key they live on then everybody and their fucking brother AND their aunt would live there.
No. That's not how it works there. You have to give up white Christmas to live in semi-tropical paradise, okay? That is the deal. If those people are going to have guaranteed white Christmas when they live in the keys I should get a guaranteed beach holiday New Year's party. That's only fair. And I don't mean me standing in my fucking snowmobile boots on top of the ice where the beach would normally be. I want them to roll in with a big exterminators tent and like sixty of those torpedo heaters, and I want it to be about 90 in there. And there had better be sand and at least a kiddie pool and some of those lamps they use in the Arctic to simulate the sunshine. That is the only way this sits well with me. Because if they get to have white Christmas when they don't live in white Christmas territory, then I should get New Year's Beach Party when I don't live in New Year's Beach Party territory.
That six and a half year old Livingston boy seems pretty smart, so I am sure he knows all about snow. But he doesn't know what a white Christmas is like, so I don't think he's being deprived of anything really. For instance: I have never driven a Ferrari Daytona, yet no one is saying that I am being deprived of a basic driving experience because I have never done it. It's just one of those things that you don't get in life. I am sorry. If anyone, those guaranteed white Christmas should have gone to someone in like Virginia or Missouri or Ohio, where they have snow sometimes for Christmas but maybe haven't for the last couple of years. Those are the people who are being deprived and deserve it, because they are giving something up and enduring something in order to get that. That's fair. Or how about this: why don't you bring it here where we need snow SO WE DON'T GET OUR BUSINESSES REPOSSESSED! How about that?
Anyway, all my anger aside congratulations to the Livingston family. I hope you enjoy your snow. I say that begrudgingly though because I don't think you should have the snow, I am sorry. Unless I get some tropical in my life right quick. I do hope that you have a wonderful Christmas though, and that is true and heartfelt. And since you live in the Florida Keys, and that snow will be melted off by like 10 am, you can still spend Christmas afternoon lounging by the pool. That's how it should be. Let the white Christmas belong to those of us who have suffered through -11 when we walk out of the house in the morning. Because that is earning it right there.

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