Hello there Company, it's me, Big Dave. Please, please, keep it down. A long time I wrote about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Oh, and Randy Stevens. For those of you who don't remember or who couldn't be bothered to click on the link that I so generously provided let me tell you that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are, of course, Ron White, Coach McGuirk from the show Home Movies, Martha Stewart and Oprah Winfrey. And Randy Stevens is the fifth, but we don't need to worry about him. It seems to me that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are slowly falling away, one by one, to leave us to be until another time.
First, Home Movies was basically canceled. Well, not really canceled so much as relegated to the wee hours of the morning, when even the night owls like me have gone to bed. So we don't have to worry about Coach McGuirk wreaking a whole lot of havoc from his 4:30 am time slot.
Second, I am tempted to write of Ron White but I know he's out there somewhere, lurking in a liquor store or on the stage at a casino doing his thing, just waiting for his chance to strike. So I am not going to make him second. So let's try that again.
Second, we all know what happened to Martha Stewart. She was standing around, placidly baking an evil cake or pie or series of tarts in her studio kitchen when the Feds busted in and hauled her off, not to Federal Pound-me-in-the-ass Prison, but to Federal minimum security oh-I'm-sorry-but-you-are-in-prison-so-you-don't-get-jam-with-your-English-muffin prison for insider trading. Which was nice, because someone needed to put that woman in her place, or at least in a jail in West Virginia that scares the Connecticut out of her. Since then she has come back and managed to get another show with a neat looking title card, and she has shown a remarkable sense of humor. I say that because I swear to God and all that is Holy that she appeared on The Soup, and no one who takes themselves seriously would go on that show willingly. And she was there willingly. That being said, I don't know that she came out of her Federally mandated staycation a changed woman, other than to not tell people she is insider trading, but I think we have staved off the apocalypse for a least a little while longer, at least where Martha is concerned. I mean, I am sure that she is still evil and her brain is working overtime and a half to conjure something up, but at least we have beat her back a little bit for the time being.
So now, thirdly, to continue the theme, we have come to Oprah. She is the latest of the Unholy Quadripartite to be making a splash is Oprah Winfrey, who if you haven't heard, is quitting her show after the 2010 season. Thank God. This news couldn't have come soon enough. She has been on TV for too long, and she has been getting more and more ridiculous as time has gone by. I mean, I suppose she does a pretty large amount of good most of the time, but for some reason she has become, and acts like she knows she has become, way more important that she should have ever been. But she has decided that twenty-five years has been long enough, so she is hanging it up. Or is she?
No, no she is not. Apparently, much like the NFL or the game show, one show is simply not enough to contain Oprah, because she is quitting her show to start up her own network. Actually, it's already been started. If you take a closer look at your channel lineup you will see that it has replaced The Discovery Health Channel on most networks. Great. So not only are we getting an ever larger dose of evil with Oprah at the helm of an I am sure completely bonkers and estrogen-tastic network, but she has removed television programming that was focused at making us healthier in our daily lives. Great. Smart move everyone. I am glad that we all sat idly by and let that happen.
Thankfully, I think that we can still count this as a win against evil, since this network will only by available to those with super duper expanded cable or satellite services and her show is available over broadcast media to just about every household in America, Canada, Europe, and even parts of Russia. So while she will be blasting us with more of her blasphemy but it will be going out to a smaller audience. So less people will be exposed to her ridiculous brainwashing on a daily basis. Call it a win against evil, albeit a small one, but we will take what we can get when we are dealing the the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Coach McGuirk, canceled. Check. Ron White M.I.A. Check. Martha a convicted criminal? Check. Oprah penned in by cable. Check. Now, if we could only take care of Randy Stevens we would be all set. Hahahaha. Just kidding, Randy. Or am I?