Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Almost Total Freedom in New Zealand

New Zealand is like 1000 miles from the nearest continental land mass, so one could imagine that those Kiwis get just a little bit stir crazy from time to time. I mean, this is a place where they use hedgehogs for weapons. And where they sell their souls for profit. So the fact that they ride around naked on bicycles should not surprise you. Nor should the fact that they didn't get away with it. The reason why, however, might throw you for a bit of a loop.
At about 10 pm local time on December 7, 2009 Senior Constable Cathy Duder stopped two men riding bicycles completely naked in Whangamata, a popular New Zealand beach resort and tourist destination, especially around the holiday, which, by the way, happen during the summertime down in those parts. So anyway, Frick and Frack were stopped butt naked, free as a bird, riding on bicycles that, quite frankly, I would not want to use after they were done. Well, maybe the bike but certainly not those particular seats, that's for sure. They were described as "happy young men in their mid-20s [who] appeared to be as sober as two judges." Apparently judges act very differently in New Zealand than they do here.
Senior Constable Duder, as any good police officer would do, asked the boys what they were up to, and they, being as sober as two New Zealand judges, responded that "They were wanting to experience total freedom." Hmmm...well, they were pretty close. I am sure that the feel of the cool summer New Zealand seaside night air flowing across their ballsacks was about as close to free as one could get. I mean, I have never done it but I certainly can imagine. If you want to try this at home boys, sit naked on a balance beam with a fan pointing at your wedding vegetables.
My favorite part, by far, BY FAR, of this story is the response from Senior Constable Duder, both in her overall reaction and handling of this situation AND the one liner she delivered to our boys. First, the one liner. When they said they were "wanting to experience total freedom" she responded with "You may experience total confinement. You should head home and get helmets." Oh man. That's great. That's an action-movie-climactic-scene-I'm-about-to-shoot-all-the-bad-guys kind of line, but New Zealand-style. But, I dig it. That is how policing could work. You can be charged with offensive behavior for being nude in public in New Zealand, but in this case there was no reason to do that, and Senior Constable Duder realized that. She said herself that it was dark, there were no members of the public nearby, and the men were cooperative and they were not intending to offend anyone. BUT they were not being safe. So they turned tail and went back to their house, and no one but them knows if they ever finished their bike ride. No authorities ever saw them on their route again that night.
So what have we learned about New Zealand? Well, we have learned that you can't ride your bike naked there. Sorry boys and girls. You have to be wearing a helmet. So, your short hairs? Not necessarily needing to be covered. Your long hairs though? Cover 'em up. Seriously though, what we have learned is that Cathy Duder knows how to be a police officer, or constable as it were, because she uses her head and thinks clearly through situations the confront here and she has a sense of humor So good for her. And good for the boys. And for Whangamata, where the summer party season is beginning. Marry Christmas everyone and happy biking.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your positive comments regarding my policing style - and yes, Whangamata had a happy holiday season!