So, I don't know if you have been living under a rock lately or what, Company, but everybody in around the world seems to be all worked up about the Swine Flu. Sorry, H1N1 Virus, which is what we are supposed to call the swine flu these days because calling swine flu I don't know, is offensive to the flu virus or something? I am not sure, but I am going to call it swine flu because I want to and the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) probably doesn't even read Big Dave and Company so they are never going to know.
Anyway, the swine flu is big in the news, mainly because everyone who thinks that maybe one person has it in their institution, mainly schools, is freaking out and closing down for days at a time. This school was closed Friday because of flu-like symptoms. That school is closed until next Wednesday because of flu-like symptoms. Two towns over they've locked to doors and won't even let the janitors come in and spray some disinfectant. It's big, and it is spreading everywhere. Just this morning The Weather Channel pasted a big map up on my TV screen informing me that the flu is epidemic in every state except South Carolina, which leads one to maybe think that is the last bastion of common sense in America, but then you realize that it is South Carolina and there is no way that is true.
I am sorry, I keep getting off track. The point here is that lots of schools and day care facilities and prison work camps have been closing because of the ubiquitous "flu-like symptoms" which is a vague enough term that it really doesn't mean shit, that there are all sorts of munchkins who are at home or roaming the streets or whatever because they aren't in school. So I guess my question is this: Where the hell was this swine flu when I was a kid?
Yeah, I mean, we didn't get super long extended weekends for "flu-like symptoms" when I was a little tyke. We just toughed it out and went to class with some extra tissues and whatnot. Or maybe an extra set of mittens so once our first pair were all nasty from wiping away the snot with the back of our hands on the playground we could have a clean set to keep our hands warm. There was none of this "Due to an unusually high number of absences due to flu-like symptoms, and in accordance with the Dingleberry County Department of Health and Public Welfare, the Turdburglar Area Unified School District is closing its schools and offices until Thursday, Novemember 12, 2009. Oh, and by the way, we are forfeiting all of our athletic games, including the state championship game in girls volleyball. Thank you."
No. NO NO NO NO NO! That is messed up. First of all, does anyone know how long it takes for the powers that be to actually confirm a case of the swine flu? It takes weeks. Weeks and weeks, so once we know you had it, it's already gone. Second, was anyone listening when national health officials came on the radio and said that most of us probably had the swine flu but it was so moderate that most of us thought it was just a bad cold? Oh yeah, that happened. They came out and said it right over my car radio, which means that it went into other people's radios too because I would be astonished if I was the only person listening to the particular station at that particular time. So yeah, most of us had it and we came out just fine. So if most of us had it and came out fine, and we won't know we had it for like two months anyway, why is it that we have to close all of our schools when people start to get runny noses and a chest cough? Is it because of the regular seasonal influenza?
Well it better not fucking be because of the regular seasonal influenza, because then I would be pissed off. Like, super pissed off. The reason is that, if I am not mistaken, the regular seasonal influenza has been with us for, oh, say, eleventy billion years, and there was never any reason before now to worry about it. Kids at school got it every year, you just let them stay home sick and soldier on. Maybe you wash your hands a little bit extra here and there, no big deal. You didn't close down the entire school system, all the government offices, most of the downtown businesses, the bus depot, sixteen restaurants, and the sawmill just because some people were sick. No, that just wasn't how it worked? So why is that how it works now? It makes no sense to me at all. If the same stuff we were getting back then is all the sudden bad enough that we have to keep everyone away from everyone else, then I am pretty sure I got screwed out of a lot of "flu-like symptom" days when I was a kid.
Yeah, that is what I am saying. I think the school system and the health department owes be about a weeks worth of days off that I am forced to take against my will. So...let's go. I won't even charge you interest. Since I don't live in the town where I grew up anymore, and I obviously don't attend any of the schools I attended growing up anymore, I suppose then the onus is on the health department to hook me up. So let's get on with it. I am not getting any younger or less relaxed having to sit at my desk here, people. Close my office for the rest of the week, with pay because I want to come in but you just won't let me. That is the only fair response to this problem that I can think of. Because I want to work and you shouldn't be letting me. Just like when I was a kid I didn't want to go to school but you forced me to anyhow.