Sunday, November 15, 2009

Hot Rocks Botox

Have you ever watched the kind of TV shows where they talk a lot about Hollywood celebrities and what they are doing or read those magazines that are on the rack by the checkout of your friendly local grocery store that are dedicated to Hollywood celebrities and everything they do? Well if you do or if you have I am sure that you aware of how Hollywood, with its emphasis on physical appearance and youth is always sort of trying to come up with new ways to stay young and look good, and those things always come around to the rest of the country and world via Paris, Moscow, Tokyo, and New York City. They have that thing where you eat like nothing but maple syrup and Thin Mints and it cleanses your colon and makes you thin, or like you wear this new type of jeans because the cut of the fabric and stitching make you look like you should be force fed a cheeseburger. And then there is of course Botox, which is one of the most moronic procedures in the history of man because you are injecting yourself with a toxin that the canning industry spends millions of dollars each year attempting to avoid injecting into yourself, all in the name of eradicating wrinkles that aren't so bad if you just deal with them in the right way anyway. But it's okay. There is hope out on the horizon. Because out in the canyons of Hollywood and Beverly Hills, behind the closed doors of the super expensive plastic surgeons, they are perfecting a new way to take care of those nasty wrinkles, which would make you look distinguished if you just left them.
It's kind of neat actually, because it allows people to get results that are similar to if Botox were applied but without all that nasty injecting yourself with deadly toxin. I mean, I know it's small amounts but seriously, if they told you that injecting yourself with small doses of the bubonic plague would help stop acne, you'd tell them to get bent, right? Anyway, this new method is just starting to become used in LA by all the posh folks from what I hear, and it involves putting rocks on your face.
Yes, rocks. But not just any rocks. They are this special type of rock called minaltic rock that only form under very specific conditions near areas of volcanic activity. This volcanic activity allow the rocks to be saturated with all types of minerals, and that's the key. Scientists, albeit scientists who have very misguided priorities, discovered that when heated to a very high level, not like to molten, but to high temperatures, those minerals will begin to dissolve and leak from the rocks. Lo and behold, if those minerals leech out of the rocks and onto your forehead or wherever, they have the effect of tightening one's skin and clearing out one's pores.
So this is how you do: you do to the doctor, you pay about eleventy billion dollars, and you go in and lie down in the chair. They take these special rocks, which can be found in different places around the world: there's a place in Idaho that has some, and a couple of places in Russia and Japan around the Ring of Fire where they have them, and they heat them up until they are at a temperature that is like one tick below what would give you a horrible, disfiguring burn. Then, they put them on whatever part you want tightened up and after a couple of minutes they take them off. Withing hours, after your skin has cooled down, you will look younger with less wrinkles and a better complexion. The treatments themselves only last about a half hour from walking in to the rocks being removed, and the effects will last for about a month before you have to go again.
As you can imagine, this treatment is really getting a lot of people excited, because it is a less invasive procedure than Botox but you get the same results, if not better. Apparently putting scalding hot rocks on your face is better than injecting yourself with poison, but I can't imagine it's THAT much better. Anyway, this new procedure is becoming popular and they are actually calling it Hot Rocks Botox. There is, however, one major problem. I totally made the whole thing up. From word one. The rocks. The minerals. The scientists. All of it. You have been reading this whole new thing and it is all a farce, a made up story that I concocted while I typed. See, while I was sitting on my couch earlier today, the phrase "Hot Rocks Botox" popped into my head so I just sort of ran with it. I thought that it was all pretty convincing, and I bet I even had you believing in it for a little bit. But it's all fake, all made up, all a figment of your imagination. Or my imagination to be more exact. Sorry. But you have to admit I got you pretty good.

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