Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Common Cold in a Swine Flu World

Okay, Company, you know just how I feel about the swine flu these days. Yeah, that's right, I think it is ridiculous and blown out of proportion. So as one would imagine, I am not buying into the whole deal and I am most definitely NOT worrying about it. Not at all. Unfortunately, everyone else seem to be. Therefore, you can imagine just how things have been going for me in this swine flu - yes, I am calling it swing flu, I say fuck this H1N1 horseshit - crazed world since I have managed to catch my yearly common cold.
And it is a common cold. I have had no fever, not even a terrible amount of congestion in my nasal cavities or anything. I will admit that when I first caught this cold I totally misdiagnosed myself, and in fact I called it 100% wrong. I was fine when I woke up on whatever morning it was except for sinuses that were packed like someone was trying to put a weekend's worth of clothes in a half-day pack and I had this wicked sore throat, which was a direct consequence of the shit from my sinuses draining down into my belly all night long. So I got up and I went to work and did my thing; suffering through a sinus headache and even sore eyes as a result. No big deal, I am a trooper. The whole time people were asking about whether or not I had the flu, particularly the swine flu, and they all were like on high alert. They were all like a dog who has thought that they might have heard something out in the yard so they are like lying there with their ears cocked? They aren't sure but just in case they are listening extra intently. That is what all the people around me were like. They weren't sure that there was swine flu imminent, but God damn it there was somebody around who was a little stuffed up. I assuaged them by continually noting how I was only stuffed up in the sinuses and I was just fine because the rest of me felt alright.
That worked okay for about two days. Two days later my sinuses felt fine, but I was still noticeably stuffed up and now, there was a cough. Not the nastiest of coughs but it was there and it was unable to be missed. So now that it wasn't in my sinuses the alarm bells were going off among the germaphobes. Oh yeah. Especially since the people on the radio were talking about how the vast majority of swine flu victims didn't even know they had the swine flu because their body fought most of it off and so most of them thought they just had the common cold. And of course, like the moron that I am, I went around spreading that in an effort to put the swine flu panic to bed. Bold strategy, Big Dave, how'd that work out for you? Bad, it totally backfired, because when it became very apparent that I had the common cold, with no trace whatsoever of a fever or any aches, I might as well have been a leper.
That is what I felt like: a leper. Now, I can't really fault anyone, okay? I understand that nobody wants to get sick. Nobody wants to have the swine flu, and I don't want anyone to get the swine flu. I totally understand that maybe they would appreciate it if I didn't like lick their stuff or talk on their phones or breathe in their faces or drink out of their coffee cup. So yeah, that's common knowledge and common courtesy. That's fine. I understand that much. And I also understand that I need and deserve to take as much IF NOT MORE good natured teasing as I give out, and believe me I give out a lot. So that is fine, if they want to mess around with me in my ill state, I totally deserve that. 100% totally. I understand that too. So I am guessing that is what is going on. But sometimes...I wonder. I actually sort of think that they might have been serious. Like, I was half expecting them to pin me down and staple a mask to my face. I was fully expecting them to send me home.
I really don't know. I have a cold and everyone is freaking out because they think I have the swine flu. I sort of fell like the mole hill that everyone is making into a mountain. Maybe I am blowing this all out of proportion. Or maybe I am going to get them all back by licking all the doorknobs. No, I won't do that. And hopefully things will sort of settle down too once they all get their seasonal colds (which they will, everyone gets a cold somewhere along the way, right?). It all remains to be seen. Until then I will just keep on keeping on with my common cold in this swine flu world.

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