Friday, October 16, 2009

Little Baby Puff Puff

So anyway, a while back we looked into an Australian father who took the liberty of strapping his beer into the back seat of his car while he let his child roam free. Bold strategy, I wonder how that worked out for him. Anyway, either he moved to England or maybe he has a brother there, because a man in Northumberland, in the ironically and aptly named town of Ashington, is being charged with allowing a three-year-old child to smoke. HAHAHAHA! Ashington.
So here is what happened, yo. 31-year-old Greame (The most English name since Ian) Conroy was smoking. That, in and of itself was not surprising. He was also hanging out with kids, which is a bit odd but I suppose not unprecedented because he could have been at a family function or something, maybe he was a sitter or his girlfriend was or whatever. Anyway, he was hanging out and there were some kids there. And he was smoking. Interesting combination, kids and smoking; I thought that was bad for you. Anyway, things were I guess going well until a three-year-old girl walked up and asked for a smoke.
Hmmm...that's a little odd. Well, I suppose on second thought it is not really all that odd. Three-year-olds are inquisitive, they are always trying to learn about the world around them and emulate the adults they see. So I suppose it is not so odd for the child to ask for a cigarette. What is odd though is that our knight in shining armor Greame went ahead and gave one to the kid.
Yeah, no really a very good decision, and it only gets worse. First of all, it was not a good decision because the kid smoked it. Yeah, I mean they guy could have pulled out a fresh one and gave it to the kid, but this class-one fucktard went ahead and gave the little girl a LIT CIGARETTE, presumably the one that he was smoking at the time she asked. I can only imagine what the guy was thinking. "Well Jesus Christ, I don't want the kid throwing a temper tantrum and making me look bad in front of this 14-year-old, plus I own an awful lot of stock in the company that makes these cigarettes, and my little sister just got a job at the factory that makes them and I don't want her to be without a job, so I am just going to go ahead and get this kid hooked on the stuff right now. Plus it would be super sweet." Yeah, moron. I am sorry, this is and was a totally inappropriate decision. You don't give 3-year-olds cigarettes. That's the bottom line. That was always something that I just assumed that people knew, but I guess I overestimated the level of intelligence and learning of people in the world. Apparently there is not enough common sense out there to keep people from giving young toddlers cigarettes. I suppose we should put it on a billboard or something somewhere.
Now, Company, I know that you are astute readers and you noted that a little bit ago I said it would get worse. And you are asking a lot of questions about that now: "How could this get worse? What did he do, did he throw the kid out the window? Did the child drop the cigarette and light everything on fire? And what is with the teenager hanging around?" Well, please allow me to explain. It gets worse because Graeme, as would be expected from a man who would give a 3-year-old a cigarette, thought it was hilariously funny that this child was smoking. So he gave her another. And another. And then a couple more. For actually. FOUR CIGARETTES! That is one more cigarette than she has had years on this Earth. I don't care how amusing you think it is, or how quickly the little girl is getting the hang of it, allowing her to smoke one is bad enough but keeping them coming, forcing her to basically chain smoke a fifth of a pack, that is just out of this world. That is just so far beyond what is appropriate, so far out of left field, I can't even begin to fathom. Believe it or not, it gets even worse.
Yeah, even worse. The reason we know that the child smoked at least four cigarettes is because by the time Graeme went ahead and coerced the 14-year-old to take a video of the kid smoking with a cell phone, she had already smoked three, in preparation I guess? I don't know. I suppose that any performer needs to practice or rehearse before their big performance but that is just ridiculous. And we can tell just how smart that our Dingus McFadden Graeme Conroy is because he went ahead and recorded what was going on. That is where everyone fails. I am sorry, but if you are stupid enough to record yourself doing things that are maybe illegal or certainly inappropriate you are always, ALWAYS without exception going to get caught. And that, as you might expect, is exactly what happened to Graeme.
Want to hear another fact that won't surprise you at all? Once he was in court, in front of the old British guy who I desperately hope was wearing a giant tall powdered wig and a flowing black robe, he sat there and admitted that he knew he was wrong. He admitted that he knew what he was doing was not correct. Well, I guess my question now is that if you know now, with the heat on, that you were wrong, how come you didn't know at the time that you were. Oh wait, I know, because at the time you never thought you were going to get caught and now you are trying to save your ass. That's right, I get it. So anyway Graeme Conway, you are a dillhole, and I am glad you got caught, and hope they throw the book at you, go out and retrieve it, and then throw it at you again. Making a kid smoke, that is just fucking ridiculous.

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