Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Yak Channel

So, could somebody out there please explain to me why The Travel Channel is so devoted to showing me shows with all sorts of gross-ass food on them? I mean, I don't need to see shows about people eating things that make me want to vomit. They might as well just rename it The Yak Channel because it makes me want to yak all over my keyboard.
Yeah, The Yak Channel. That has a nice ring to it; it really does. I mean, I am sure that there are going to be a fair number of people out there who are expecting something else, and most of them will most likely be upset that they are forking over to the cable or satellite company for a channel devoted to an animal in which they are not interested that live, well, to be honest I don't know where the yak lives. I have no idea to where it is native, but I can only assume that it is the mountains somewhere. Anyway, they will be angry that there is a channel devoted to the yak, but you know what? That anger will be misguided, because it will really be the freshly renamed Travel Channel, which should be called The Yak Channel because all it does is make me puke.
I just saw a picture of a guy kneading dough by hopping up and down with his crotch on a bamboo pole. Now, that doesn't gross me out because it's not like the dough is in his crotch, but that kind of weight and pressure on my family jewels would certainly make me yak. I mean, the noodles that come out look pretty fantastic, but still. Guys, have you ever been whacked in the crotchal region? Yeah, you know what I am talking about.
What's on next? Oh, it's a show where a guy eats gross stuff. How fucking original. What's he eating today? Seems to me it is octopus ink sacks, boiled in broth of course, and zebra testicles in a nice tomato sauce. That can't be right. Here is the deal: just because people eat it somewhere doesn't mean that it's good or that you should be eating it. It probably just means that they were hungry and it didn't make them sick. Let's be honest here people. Hey, Yak Channel guy, back in the days when they would go exploring in the Arctic they would eat the leather of their boots and shoes once they ran out of supplies, just to survive. Are you going to have your next show live on location from Foot Locker?
Hmmm...there must be another show somewhere around here, right? Oh, okay. Here is one where the guy goes out around the world and sees what's going on. He rides a train in India. He goes to a shopping mall in Singapore. He seems to be standing on a street corner in Mexico somewhere. Okay, that's better. This is the kind of show that I would expect to see on The Travel Channel, back before I renamed it The Yak Channel. What's he doing now? Oh, wait, he seems to be eating guinea pig noses cooked over a greasy piece of coal out in the middle of a traffic circle, because apparently they are so much better there than in the restaurant. Moron. No matter what they are still boiled guinea pig noses, it doesn't matter a whole lot where they are cooked. Camel fat on skewer for dessert? Yeah, sure, why the hell not. Blech. Way to be sneaky about that show though by making me think it was actually about travelling around, not just about eating gross-ass things.
So yeah, Travel Channel, that's the deal. You should rename yourself the Yak Channel because you aren't really about travel anymore, you are mostly about making me projectile vomit all around whatever room I happen to be in: living room, dentist office waiting room, airport departure lounge, wherever. It doesn't matter. Because when I see the guy put a handful of beetle larvae in his mouth and describe how they pop when you bite them, I am done. That is it. Call in the janitor with his mop and bucket because that is where this is going to end up, regardless of what you try to say. The Yak Channel got me again.

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