Friday, September 04, 2009

Tresspassing and, Tresspassing and, Tresspassing and...Tresspassing, and Smoking the Reefer

So...there was an interesting story in several of the friendly local newspapers recently about a guy who is most likely going to make an appearance on that show "The World's Dumbest Criminals" because he is obviously one of the world's dumbest criminals. And of course the criminal activity in which this guy was engaging was growing pot. Or the reefer if you prefer because you are a big fan of the movie "Super Troopers" like I am.
I think that I can safely say that one of my favorite things about Mary Jane is the stupid crime that it causes people to commit, or maybe I should say the stupid crimes that are committed in the name of it. Recently there was a sort of anti-crime, or maybe like a crime perpetrated by the police in the Netherlands, where authorities raided and destroyed a marijuana field that turned out not to be a marijuana field at all. As it were the field belonged to a friendly local university that was full licensed to grown the stuff for research related to hemp. There wasn't even enough of the chemical that makes you high in the stuff there were growing there to actually get you high. Probably the first time the police said sorry to a grower, although I am sure they said it in Dutch, and I don't know how to say "sorry" in Dutch.
Anyway, while that was pretty hilarious, it wasn't what I wanted to talk about today. The story I wanted to bring to your attention, Company, comes out of the American Midwest, where they are looking for possibly the stupidest criminal in America. This man, whom we will call Jeff because that's what the friendly local authorities think his name might be, gave police an extreme closeup of his face when he climbed a tree to disable a camera that was focused on his illegal marijuana patch. Yeah, like it would be a legal one; those only exist in Holland and the police even bust those.
So here's how it all went down: a local landowner discovered that there was a field of marijuana plants growing on his property. Since he didn't plant it, and apparently didn't want to smoke it himself or sell it to his teenage kids and their friends, he called the police. The police, instead of going all Dutch Law Enforcement on the field and destroying it right then and there, decided that they were going to try to catch the perp while they had a chance. So in lieu of doing what I would have done, which would have been to call Emilio Estevez and Richard Dreyfuss to stake the place out. What they did, however, was pulled straight from the pages of academia.
See what is happening is that the researches of today's major research institutions are getting lazy. Instead of going like the guys at National Geographic out into the field and taking sweet pictures themselves, they set up these cameras in the forest that have night vision lenses and are set to start recording whenever the motion detector attached to them are tripped. Oh yeah. Instead of crouching in a tree for like sixteen hours waiting for the lioness to wander by on her way to the bathroom like the National Geographic guys do and getting an absolutely mind-blowingly fantastic shot, they just go out in the afternoon and strap these automatic night-vision camera to a tree every three feet and then get a blurry, crappy picture of the lioness' ass as she walks away. Anyway, that's what the police did here. Instead of just hanging out in this guy's back forty waiting for the trespasser to come and tend his pot plants, they hung a camera in a tree to get some videotape evidence.
Rather unsurprisingly, at least to me, when the tender showed up around 4 am to take a peek at his field and maybe pull some weeds (yeah, that was an intentional play on words) he noticed the camera in pretty short order. What happened next, though is pure gold. Because it's pot, and pot crimes are always dumb, the guy doesn't do what I would do. If I were in his shoes, I would go around behind the camera and maybe throw a rock at it, or shimmy up the back of the tree and cut the wire, or maybe I would just leave and start growing my pot somewhere else. But no, those options apparently never entered this guy's mind. He climbed right up the front and attempted to disable the camera from there.
I can hear a couple of you out there snickering, Company, and as well you should be. You are snickering because you have set this situation up in your mind and you can see where this is going. So Jeff climbs up the tree, and he's dressed like the team Skillz that Killz from the movie Dodgeball. Totally in like a white or powder blue sweatsuit with like a frayed hat. He is wearing some sort of eyewear that looks a little like cheap rec specs but I think are just his normal glasses. He also has like some sort of light device attached to the brim of his hat. All in all he looks like a total douchebag, which he obviously is. Anyway, he climbs up the tree to disable the camera and puts his face like six inches from the lens. Oh yeah, he does exactly that. He just sticks his face in there so he can see what he's doing and gives God and the police and everyone everywhere an extreme close-up like he's on Wayne's World. It is so blatant and obvious it's almost like he is on a hidden camera, but he's not. Nowhere in any of the articles reporting this event that I have read does it ever mention that the camera was hidden. I desperately want the camera to be hidden, because then maybe this kid is not so completely stupid, but I don't think it was in any way, shape, or form.
That, in a nutshell, is what I like about pot. The crime. It's not like grand theft or murder or extortion like it is with the harder drugs like cocaine or heroin. It's simple stuff. It's growing pot in someone else's yard. It's climbing a tree to disable the police camera and putting your face right up into the lens so they get a sweet close-up of your face. I don't know what the guy was thinking. Well, I know what he was thinking, he wanted that camera off. But I don't think he ever fully considered his plan. I suppose he might have been thinking that the lights on his hat would sort of blind the camera, like when you take a picture into the sun, but all they did was act like studio lights turned on his face; they illuminated it nicely for the camera to capture. Oh well, I suppose it's not so bad, he hasn't been caught yet. But I tell you, when he is, he is going to hear it from the guys in jail.

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