I know you don't believe me, Company, I know you really don't. You think that it's just another squirrel going about its pressing fall business of collecting nuts for the either long, cold and snowy or short, warm and dry (the almanac predicts one, the National Weather Service the other, I will leave it to you to decide who picks which) winter which lied ahead. That's what you think and I understand that. On the surface that's what it looks like; a squirrel going around collecting acorns. But here's the kicker folks: There aren't any acorns on the back porch, okay? I've been there probably a hundred times and I can tell you that there are no acorns there, mostly due to the conspicuous absence of oak trees in the general vicinity. Yet he/she seems to have an acorn in his/her mouth every time we meet. But that is not the only thing that makes this particular squirrel so disturbing. One day, I swear that it looked me in the eye.
Oh yeah, it's true. The thing looked me with the cold, black, beady little eyes of its own and seemed to be considering whether or not to move, like it was testing me and my mettle. And the strange thing is that I almost backed down. It's like he was sizing me up and it almost made me uncomfortable enough to take the other door. I averted my eyes because he was staring into them. That's not right, he's psycho. I say it's a him because one would have to have some major balls to pull a move like that. So every morning I am a little afraid because I know how it's going to go down.
By now, I've got my Fruit of the Looms in an uproar over this thing, and so I won't be so intimidated by the squirrel the next time he tries to pull that shit on me. I will look him right in the eye and give him that "What?" shoulder move that everyone on COPS uses when they are getting in a fight with someone and then it will be on. He is bat-shit crazy, and I will be all pissed off, and before you know it it's going to be like The Matrix mixed with a Jackie Chan movie in that backyard.
First, when I open the door after we stare each other down through the glass, he is going to chuck his acorns at me. That has to be the opening salvo, there is really no other choice. I will, of course duck them by bending over backwards in slow motion while they whiz by my head, missing me by mere inches and impaling themselves in the wall in the hallway. That's a nice opening shot but I am not going to fall for that shit. So I am assuming that I will come after him with the bristle end of a broom, which he will grab and immediately break somehow. Hand-to-hand combat would ensue, and I would probably get a judo chop on him somehow, I am pretty good with the judo chop. I can only assume that he would bite me in and around the neck area, from which I will probably contract rabies, which won't manifest itself until later. I will pull him off and grab him by the tail and swing him around over my head and fling him into the side of the garage.
And so it will go: on and on and on until one of us is a bloody pulp and I am late for work, which will suck. But I am not going to lose to a squirrel. I know what you are thinking: He has been training on that plastic squirrel in the backyard for years, and so he is ready. And that might be true but so am I, and there are few things as dangerous as a pissed-off fat guy who has missed breakfast. So he is in for a real surprise that squirrel. Maybe we would all be best served if he just got the hell off my porch.