Wednesday, September 02, 2009

European History

Okay, hold the damn phone. I am pissed at Europe right now, Company, so if you are one of those "backpack around Europe soaking up the culture for a year after I graduate and screwing Europeans in a youth hostile but then coming home and acting like you love Europe because they are so much more socially advanced and open minded than Americans because you can smoke pot in public in Amsterdam but really you just like it because there are easy chicks with hairy pits there" types then maybe you should look away for a little bit and come back tomorrow and see what I have to say then, because I am probably going to piss you off. Also, if you don't like swear words this might not be the place for you right now.

That being said...

For those of you who aren't paying attention, September 1st, which was yesterday, marked the 70th Anniversary of the German invasion of Poland that basically kicked off The Second World War in earnest, for unlike Czechoslovakia we, and be we I mean England and France, decided to actually come to the defense of the Poles. Anyway, as would be expected for such an anniversary, there have been many ceremonies and other things to commemorate the event, mostly on the Polish side. But it is not the only anniversary that has passed recently. Another important and connected anniversary occurred just about a week ago when the 70th Anniversary of the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact came and went. That was the famous non-aggression agreement between the Nazi Germans and Communist Soviets.
What has pissed me off is that as I have been reading the news media coverage of this anniversary all that has been going on is the one country is pissed about how another acted and what the other ones did SEVENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO. For fuck's sake, Europe, get over yourselves, okay? It has been almost three-quarters of a century, you need to let go. No one can get into the Russian state archives to get a look at the official documents regarding the Pact, strange how that works. Hey Russia, who gives a fuck what those documents say because, I hate to inform you, that was a group of crackerjack fucks who aren't in power anymore. In fact, you weren't even a real country at the time, you were basically like a state, like Arizona or Maryland, as part of the Soviet Union so why the hell do you care? Seriously, it's not like you signed the pact in 1993. It was 70 years ago and a vastly different political system was in place.
And Poland, don't even get me started on Poland. Poland, maybe you should spend a little more time honoring the dead from that fateful day in 1939, or maybe celebrating the Resistance that sprung into action after that or something, but apparently you are like the old, bitter, bachelor brother who is mad because he didn't get the farm when mom and dad passed away so now all you have to do is sit on your own fucking piece of shit farm where nothing will grow and be mad because they got a new tractor but of course they have a new tractor they didn't have a mortgage to pay because of course mom and dad gave little Raphie the farm. Ralphie always got what he wanted. Well, that's you Poland. The headline sprayed across the BBC News website said "Poland Angry at Soviet War Role." Really? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you really bending me over and sticking that up my asshole? Because that is the fucking dumbest thing that I have ever read. Listen, I know that what happened to you sucked, okay? And I know you didn't deserve it. But still, you need to get the fuck over it and move on, alright? Are you following me here people? Everyone was doing what they had to do to survive back in those days, it's not our fault that you chose the horse-drawn wooden cart method and it didn't work out so hot.
Listen Poland, if you are 70 years into this thing and you still can't sleep at night, and you still feel as if you want to call up the BBC and complain about what the Soviet Union did all that time ago to hurt your little pansy feelings maybe you should go lie on the couch and talk to Sweden or Norway a little bit, because maybe they give a rats ass and they have nationalized health care and you probably wouldn't even have to pay a dime, or a Euro or a kroner or whatever, because I don't want to hear it.
You know what else, Europe? I am sick of hearing all your ethnic minorities complain about how they are being treated in whatever country in which you are living. Fucking, get over it and get along. If you are Hungarian, and you live in Slovakia, and you don't like the way the Slovakians look at you, fucking go to Hungary. If you are a Gypsy or some ethnicity that doesn't like have it's own country with border guards and a Parliament and like a stoplight or two then okay, go ahead and bitch and moan. But if you are French or Czech or Macedonian or Italian or Portuguese I am pretty sure that you have your own sort of country to which to retire. So don't complain about how the Spanish, Serbians, Poles, or Russians are treating you. Just fucking learn to live with one another, because that's what roommates have to learn to do, and basically you are roommates. So fucking maybe just go get some groceries, get a dry erase board to leave messages for one another, and don't park each other in and just learn to live with one another with a little respect, asshole.
So you know what, Europe, fucking learn to get along and learn to get over it, because the past is the past and maybe, just maybe you should look at the other 70 years of relations since then and see what's going on with that. Because unless the Soviet Union has been sending commandos into Warsaw from beneath the Berlin Wall since 1945 I really don't want to fucking hear it anymore. Last I checked the President of the United States wasn't freaking out on England because they took over Ft. Michilimackinac in 17-whatever and didn't give it back for like ten years. You wanna know why? Because it's not that fucking important.
I know, I understand. I can comprehend. I can hear all you Europeans and European sympathizers out there screaming at me that I don't get it because America doesn't have ethnicity quite as strongly or in the same way that Europe does, and I would tend to agree. That fact, however, doesn't change the fact that time will generally heal most wounds unless of course you continue to fucking pick at them like that strange first grader in your daughters class who eats scabs for some undeniably retarded asshole reason. Just let it be and it will get better. I mean, if you are going to complain about World War Two stuff seventy years after the fact, then the Ethiopians should be asking Italy for reparations for all the arrows they foolishly launched at the Italian planes as they invaded, and then Iceland should be screaming at America and Great Britain to get all those rusting ship carcasses out of their waters from when the Germans sunk all those supply ships. The bottom line here people is that you can't hold on to shit like that forever, it's just not healthy. I mean, you don't want to end up like the Balkans, now do you? I know you don't want that. So just lay the wreath on the tomb of the unknown soldier, wherever you have located that, and light some candles and maybe have a special museum exhibit and move on, because quite frankly I am sick of hearing it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I am sensing alot of hostility in you today, am I right? Perhaps it is all related to the anxiety you are feeling because of your upcoming podcast?