Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys

A big part of life - I would argue the biggest part of life - is learning. It starts on day one when you learn you mother's face, and keeps on as you grow up, learning things like language and social norms. The day that you stop learning is the day that, well, you might as well be one leg crotch deep in the grave. So that is why I am so glad that I learned something...um...yesterday morning. I learned that Lucky Charms marshmallows mixed with Cocoa Puffs is WAY too much sweet in the morning.
"Wait, what? They make that cereal? They can't make that cereal. There is no way in hell that happened. How did you come upon that? Did something go horribly wrong at General Mills so that a batch of Lucky Charms marshmallows got direct injected into a box of Cocoa Puffs on mistake? How lucky are you that you got that box? And why the hell are you eating it? You should be preserving it for posterity. Seriously, honestly, did someone forget to flip a switch in the factory or what? Is this a new thing? Where I can I get this?" Wow, Company. I could hear all that from across the room. Quit freaking out, man. Okay? Just settle down. First of all, there was not some sort of major industrial occurrence somewhere in Minneapolis. Second of all, you don't want that cereal, trust me. Please allow me to explain.
Lately, I have taken to buying bargain cereals, you know the kind that nobody every buys because they are in plastic bags instead of boxes with cartoon characters on the front and mazes on the back, because they are a good bargain and at this age I just don't care anymore: if I am going to eat kids cereals I am going to eat cheap kids cereals. If I want to pay up the yin yang for breakfast cereal, I will get something with either the works "fruit," "nut," or "bran" in the title that comes in a tiny little box. Anyway, as I said I have taken to eating these Malt-o-Meal cereals and one of them is called Marshmallow Mateys and they are basically knock-off Lucky Charms. Marshmallows on indistinguishable shapes, frosted oat pieces, the whole nine yards. They also have Coco Roos, which are knock off Cocoa Puffs. When I saw Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys lying in a bad on the shelf in my friendly local grocery store, I wasn't sure what so expect. I though it would be Lucky Charms with chocolate pieced instead of frosted oat pieces. Easy, peasy, lemon squeezie.
What I got was the marshmallows from the Marshmallow Mateys thrown in with some Coco Roos. Okay, I thought, I can get into this. I dig this. At first it was pretty good, I have to admit. I was down with whatever I was eating. The milk was turning chocolatey, as would be expected, and I was recovering my initial shock from opening the bag, and all was well. Then, about three-quarters, maybe two-thirds of the way through the little bowl I was eating, I became very aware that there was way, WAY, WAY too much sweetness in this concoction. I mean, the Coco Roos alone are delicious. The Marshmallow Mateys alone are great. But together it's just way too much. If I were a little kid I would be bouncing off all the walls, including some that haven't been built yet. As it was at about 10 am I crashed like I had drank about fifty Mountain Dews for breakfast. Here's another way to put it: If Marshmallow Mateys is maintaining a pleasant buzz and having your girlfriend drive you home, Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys is blacking out at 8:30 pm and waking up the next morning behind a dumpster in Amarillo wearing nothing but a jock strap, neck tie, and Superman cape with a toothless woman in a tube top asking a man in a mullet wearing a Cannonball Run T-shirt if its really worth rolling you because you obviously don't have a wallet but it's a really nice tie, now isn't it? That's what it's like. And you don't want that.
No, no. You don't want that. It's just too much sugar, it's just too much sweet, it's just too much dessert at breakfast. Plus, you have to drink the chocolate milk that's left when you are done, so that's like another shot that you just don't need. Trust me on this one. Lay off the Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys. Unless you have low blood sugar or something.

3 comments:

Adrianne said...

I'm enjoying the podcast! :)

Miller said...

This post was all right. You made a lot of errors in grammar. 3/5 ( 4/5 [and possibly 5/5] if you didn't make so many Goddamn grammatical errors). It's rough around the edges, but it's still entertaining.

Big Dave said...

Thank you Miller. I know that my grammar is terrible but I like to think it's part of the charm. No? No.